Ni Je Yang Ada

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Lama nak matey tak update.  Tak tau apa nak update.  Ada ke orang baca blog ni?  

Dah takde dah gambar-gambar bebudak nak ditampal.  Nothing to update.  Just malam tadi timing tido agak hampeh lah.  Struggled to sleep, then terjaga after an hour and stayed awake berjam-jam sampai subuh kot.  Lepas tu baru terlelap sejam before bangun tido terus.  

Terasa macam nak pegi holiday.  Tapi apakan daya, kita sendiri rasa macam it's actually not necessary yet.  Semalam pergi supermarket pun ramai pulak yang bawak keluar anak kecik gi jenjalan kat shopping mall.  Kita pula yang rasa seriau dan risau.  But then again, itu semua ikut pandangan ibubapa sendiri lah ya.  I kenot say anything much.

Right now teringat pulak nak kena beli lagi ubat cuci muka.  Jap lagi nak kena tengok balik apa yang nak kena beli.  Kang nanges pulak bila barang takde.  

Hari tu nak beli, bendanya takde pulak.  Puaslah pekerja kedai tu call outlets lain tapi tiada ya.  Rajin diorang message tanya kalau ada barang nak beli.  Siap hantar pakai LalaMove lagi.  Kedai kan tak boleh bukak time tu.  What I use is not available OTC (over the counter).  Time tu memang rezeki sebab barang tinggal berapa titik je.  Dapat terus esok tu stock sendiri yang ada tu terus habis.  

Kita ni kulit sensitif.  Cuma so far elok pakai Dr Belmeur (Blue Range - Sensitive) dari Face Shop sahaja.  Ada la juga try support kengkawan dengan benda lain tapi...  But because my skin is sensitive, memang I had to stick to Dr Belmeur gak.  I tried SKII tapi ada pulak reaction.  Dah, takpelah.  Dr Belmeur je lah.  

So takde cerita.  Sakit perut je.  Memang sakit perut dari bangun tadi.  Mungkin angin kot.  Tak teringat pulak nak makan ubat sakit perut.  

Okaylah, ni je yang ada.  

Kbai.  

02032021

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Hi everyone.

Kita pun tak tau berapa kali entah try tulis, tapi tak post sebab setengah jalan je isi cerita.  Ada jugak yang tak isi.  Dia tengok kat draft tu kosong, lepas tu tutup je terus window page.

There is no story.  Except I started writing a different story book.  Ha ha ha...  Pehal tah.  Actually I'm working on three different books.  Satu tergantung in Chapter 3, lagi satu chapter 1, and another one I got until 14 kot lepas tu blur...

Well, at least ada la jugak idea yang keluar.  My brain was off for 3 months kot.  Yeah, about 3 months nothing came out of me.  Just a lot of internal works in my heart and my brain.  

Ok tu je yang ada.

Nothing else. 

Kbai.

26122020

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I have been on a spiritual journey.  Dah tak menulis dah.  Instead, I have been watching YouTubes je so far this month.  Ada spiritual awakening.  Seeing what has been going on, what I have been dealing with.  Just a lot of things.

Thinking of a career change.  Maybe somewhere I can write, or help people to realise isi hati masing-masing.  Realising your self-worth. 

Nak cerita pasal self-worth...  Is too deep to talk about.  Like, being hopeful that things can change but not changing.  Then suddenly you wake up in the morning and being able to see yourself inside.  So I want to change.  Because I'm tired.  

I wish I can update lagi tapi...  Tengoklah.  If I feel like it. 

PS/ I speak in English with I'm in really deep.  I hope you won't mind it.  I don't even know if anyone reads.  But this would be for me.  

18122020 - My Abyss

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today I'm on leave, clearing out my leaves for the year.

I feel suddenly down, out of nowhere.  I miss my Golliwog.  Juga, I've stopped writing.  Ada a little bit of progress hari tu.  Then suddenly, I just couldn't.  Tak jumpa semula momentum.  Instead I've been doing other things for my own distractions.

Entah la kenapa rasa low.  Kalau ni time for a holiday, it should have been a holiday kan.  But no one is travelling.  I need to keep money anyway.  Been spending on food.  Nak cantikkan diri sendiri.  Making myself be better. 

I need to sort out my thoughts.  The whole time maybe people think I am different.  I mean, going back to dedulu punya posts like 10 years back, funny kept me sane.  But now, funny also hard for me to find.  I just close myself in.  

Why am I even writing this?  Maybe I'm beginning to feel hopeful for myself.  Bila tak menulis, I have to be introspective into myself.  If I stop writing, what else do I put my concentration in?  It has begin to open my eyes.  Berat for myself to deal with.  And things like these are the things you'd have to do yourself.  No one else can help you.  

So I took that 2 hour walk in the mall the other day.  I ate what I wanted, I beli barang yang I nak.  I took my time and blocked all the things that has been bothering me.  I've managed to do it for the past few days.  Cuma suddenly at this mid-day, I feel sad.  Is it grieving?  Sense of loss?

Maybe it is.  Because it's time to begin with a new cycle.  I need to sort my things.  Sort my head.  Throw out what I don't need, or can't wear anymore so I can move on.  

For the future me, I love you.  You may not be successful, or become what you hoped to be.  But I know you've tried.  Even if you reach a point where just breathing was all you did that day.

Kbai.

09122020 - Book Progress

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I was tellling my INTJ pagi kelmarin -- "I'm going to pause my writing."  And she went, "WHAT? WHY??" 

Ya, tetiba I felt like I needed a break.  Suddenly got OCD pulak kick in.  OCD to tie back the current and the previous ones.  That's why maybe I tak publish the remaining chapters in WWM Book 1, walaupun the story dah progress jauh dah.  Sangat jauh.  Tapi nak tengok balik pun tak kuasa.  Mood hancusss.

However tetiba kelmarin juga ni -- malam.  I just sat down and had my brain running.  Came out 4 new chapters.  Total diversion of what yang boleh dikategorikan as rubbish sebab emo time tulis tu.  Paksa lagi menulis time DAY OFF.  Tapi 4 chapters rubbish tu, I will keep to carry on into a possible transfer into suitable parts in the series.  Never waste your ideas.

Kadang time DAY OFF ni la yang either you get something good, ataupun sesuatu yang tidak-tidak (believe me, it was sooooo tidak...).  So that was a really down time for me.  Crying for hours.  Period kot.  Ha ha.  Hati orang pun susah nak baca, ni kan pulak hati sendiri.  Made me circle around feeling menahi.

Well, as at 8 Dec 2020, I'm on the 5th one.  So WWM has 5 books now.  Pekejadah sampai 5 buku ni?  But that means I managed to write 4 books in one month.  CS & OHT took me 1 month each book = 2,ooo words/chapter in 26 chapters.  WWM is 1,000 words/chapter in 42 chapters per book.  

Don't ask me how I do it.  I cannot explain.  Although I can manage a chapter done within 30-60 minutes at any given time.  

Tapi, it's not always macam tu.  But that is also how it can go 8 chapters in one day.  I don't want to jinx it though.  Sekali bila keluar, it keeps going.  Ada jugak time dia stuck -- tak mencapai target jumlah perkataan per chapter.  So move on je lah to next chapter.  Ada jugak hari yang langsung tak berbunyi kecuali deruan air di pantai terus ke laut. 

Chapter 1 of Book 5 is still in progress.  I took time layan YouTube.  Sambil dengar lagu.

Teringat for the first one I published on Wattpad.  Ada lagu yang stuck in my brain.  Pada hal cerita tu dah considered done.  It bothered me for 2-3 days sebab the message was just stuck.  Pain.  So that itself became extra chapters in the middle of the book.  Baffling lah jugak kalau diikutkan.  But camni lah.

I ni pun takde benda lain nak cerita.  Malas nak komen pasal orang dah kot.  Kalau ada yang bercerita pun I'd go, "I don't need to hear this tahi."  And I say it.  Gelak pulak diorang.  Kejujuran adalah asas jenaka kot.  Yeah lah.  Go make me stress for what??  Ha ha.  Benda yang aku pun tak nak turut terbabit.  Kang Mak emo, habis satu rumah rabak.

But then again, a few days ago pun I had to deal with some people jugak.  Same thing, "I don't really need to deal with this tahi."  Tapi kena jugak.  Cuma...  Tengah tak kuasa kot.  Ataupun nampak sangat rantaian aku dengan manusia sekarang adalah sangat terhad jadi tak begitu terbina momentum untuk ia melarat.  Either that or I have a great working team.  Apa-apa pun, biarlah ia menjadi misteri.

I'd rather be driven by other things.  But then again, maybe I need exposure semula.  Nak kena baca balik Jodi Picoult, Amy Tan.  Ada jugak beli buku Jodi Picoult.  Dah sepuluh tahun kot berdebu masih nicely wrapped in the plastic.  Lepas tu ada 2 pulak buku yang sama tapi lain front cover design dia.  Menyedihkan.  

Aku ni pun sebenarnya tengah stuck jugak ni.  Dah berapa jam layan YouTube dari lepas kerja tengok genre kesukaan diri sendiri.  Hopefully it will not keep my mind running.  Because it kinda did malam tadi, that I don't know what time I slept, dan kena bangun awal for something-something.  

I'm just enjoying my processes.  Maybe one day, or eventually, I can go into another genre.  Tulis skrip cerita drama Melayu ke...  But I think even WWM has a lot of visions in them.  

Okaylah.  Revisiting WWM Book 5 Chapter 1.  Kalau tak boleh progress, terus masuk Chapter 2.  

Kbai.

07122020 - 10 Years Anniversary

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I just realised, I have this blog since 2010.  I will need to look back lah once in a while. All the way from the beginning.  It was hilarious back then.  Photos and all.  

Bebudak pun semua dah besar.  Dah takde cerita kelakar dengan diorang.  Diorang je bully Mak diorang. Although recently I told them, I don't feel my age.  Seriously, I feel 23.  Okay, takpe bagi chance kat engkorang gelak nak matey...  Silakan.  

Orang cakap kat Abang Long.  Nanti you tell your friends, I beranakkan you when I was 5.  

Kejap tak dia dah 17?  Abang Long is 17, Abang Ngah is 15 and Cik Adik is 12.  Ye, kejap je masa berjalan.  Just when you're tired when the kids are young, laju je masa berjalan bila diorang go into teenage years.  Yang penting, Mak is 23 okay?  Jangan lupa... 

Dah, takpe, bagi chance kat korang teruskan gelak nak matey...  

Kbai

061220 - Another Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today feels like a Sunday.

Woke up late, because I couldn't sleep.  Menahan mata nak ejas something.  Entah mengapa, jangan tanya.  And I am thinking that maybe I can fall asleep again kejap lagi.  Just because I don't do well dengan tidur petang. 

I'm feeling tired now.  But waiting for an online award show, due in one hour's time.  Listening to my artist of choice and contemplating to sleep now.  Pada hal, elok je kalau tidur lagi awal tadi.  But no, it isn't lah kan. Macam-macam. Decision making kelaut.

Decidedly, I'm taking time-off from my books.  I think I need it.  Seven books has taken it's toll. I've written 3 (1 partially published, 2 unpublished) and 1 lagi is just 3 chapters away from completion -- the one ada 4 chapters of rubbish in it.  No mood nak follow through. 

Ni pun ada jugak tengah fikir nak release ke tak yang WWM - Book 1 sampai habis ke tidak.  What will happen pun if I release all out?  Kemungkinan history tak sync?  Entah.  I don't know about the hesitation. 

This project of 4 books ni, tidak diplan.  It just transcended as I needed to release my thoughts.  It became almost 80 chapters in one book ha ha ha ha.  Melampau kan?  So I had to split it. Automatically Book 2 happened, then Book 3, then suddenly got Book 4 pulak.  Just dreaming away.  Mana tau, it could go into Book 5 selepas ada mood balik nak menulis.  

I don't plan my stories.  Just write what I want to walaupun in hesitation sebelum I started about the genre.  But then again, each thing I write, is my own healing process.  INTJ pun kata, tulis je apa nak tulis, tak payah fikir lebih-lebih. 

All I know is that, if while writing suddenly I feel like breaking down, then something must happen to the characters -- like how can one conversation jadi gaduh bertekak nak mati ni?  Then if suddenly I feel berdebar, it will like, "Oh, are they finally going to berbaik -- but what kind of berbaik?  Or something else will happen?"  

I just write with the flow.  So far I haven't really made major content changes with WWM Series.  I learnt to just go je, walaupun rasa cam, merepek ke apa aku tulis ni?  I mean, an idea is an idea.  Ada masa rasa cam, hampeh je chapter tu -- but I still go on.  Leave that and just go move on to a new chapter.  Then when sendu, I go back and try to complete them semula for better flow with the content that I've written in before.  So I don't hold myself back.

Writing has helped me to let go a lot of things.  I may be more in solitude.  But in solitude, I don't have to think about other things.  I don't over worry about things I shouldn't camtu lah.  I get to be alone dalam kepala.  At least I'm not lonely anymore.

Jujur, kan aku ni?  Hahaha. Terbodo pulak rasa entah apa aku cerita ni.  Maybe I'm defrosting my mind. I don't know.  Lagi pun mungkin bulan ni I busy dengan award shows jugak kot hahaha.  I need distractions.  Human interaction pun takde kan?  So observe orang online je la.  Observation kena pun biasanya buat dendiam kan -- dah namanya pun observation...

Maybe juga in time, I can get out of the genre and write like my INTJ friend.  Her story is so interesting with Mafia background.  And each time we need to write something, we research and that puts us into a good kind of distraction walaupun orang lain tengok cam "WTH..." laidat.  

That now I'm thinking, why lah all my stories so fluffy?  But fluffy stories are feel good stories kan.  Entahlah.  Ni namanya self-convincing tak bertempat kah kah kah kah.

Even me writing here, maybe can help me find my funny again.  Maybe I've completely lost it, I don't know.  Funny morbid je la between orang yang ada.  

Okaylah. Award show dah mula. 

Kbai.