26122020

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I have been on a spiritual journey.  Dah tak menulis dah.  Instead, I have been watching YouTubes je so far this month.  Ada spiritual awakening.  Seeing what has been going on, what I have been dealing with.  Just a lot of things.

Thinking of a career change.  Maybe somewhere I can write, or help people to realise isi hati masing-masing.  Realising your self-worth. 

Nak cerita pasal self-worth...  Is too deep to talk about.  Like, being hopeful that things can change but not changing.  Then suddenly you wake up in the morning and being able to see yourself inside.  So I want to change.  Because I'm tired.  

I wish I can update lagi tapi...  Tengoklah.  If I feel like it. 

PS/ I speak in English with I'm in really deep.  I hope you won't mind it.  I don't even know if anyone reads.  But this would be for me.  

18122020 - My Abyss

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today I'm on leave, clearing out my leaves for the year.

I feel suddenly down, out of nowhere.  I miss my Golliwog.  Juga, I've stopped writing.  Ada a little bit of progress hari tu.  Then suddenly, I just couldn't.  Tak jumpa semula momentum.  Instead I've been doing other things for my own distractions.

Entah la kenapa rasa low.  Kalau ni time for a holiday, it should have been a holiday kan.  But no one is travelling.  I need to keep money anyway.  Been spending on food.  Nak cantikkan diri sendiri.  Making myself be better. 

I need to sort out my thoughts.  The whole time maybe people think I am different.  I mean, going back to dedulu punya posts like 10 years back, funny kept me sane.  But now, funny also hard for me to find.  I just close myself in.  

Why am I even writing this?  Maybe I'm beginning to feel hopeful for myself.  Bila tak menulis, I have to be introspective into myself.  If I stop writing, what else do I put my concentration in?  It has begin to open my eyes.  Berat for myself to deal with.  And things like these are the things you'd have to do yourself.  No one else can help you.  

So I took that 2 hour walk in the mall the other day.  I ate what I wanted, I beli barang yang I nak.  I took my time and blocked all the things that has been bothering me.  I've managed to do it for the past few days.  Cuma suddenly at this mid-day, I feel sad.  Is it grieving?  Sense of loss?

Maybe it is.  Because it's time to begin with a new cycle.  I need to sort my things.  Sort my head.  Throw out what I don't need, or can't wear anymore so I can move on.  

For the future me, I love you.  You may not be successful, or become what you hoped to be.  But I know you've tried.  Even if you reach a point where just breathing was all you did that day.

Kbai.

09122020 - Book Progress

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I was tellling my INTJ pagi kelmarin -- "I'm going to pause my writing."  And she went, "WHAT? WHY??" 

Ya, tetiba I felt like I needed a break.  Suddenly got OCD pulak kick in.  OCD to tie back the current and the previous ones.  That's why maybe I tak publish the remaining chapters in WWM Book 1, walaupun the story dah progress jauh dah.  Sangat jauh.  Tapi nak tengok balik pun tak kuasa.  Mood hancusss.

However tetiba kelmarin juga ni -- malam.  I just sat down and had my brain running.  Came out 4 new chapters.  Total diversion of what yang boleh dikategorikan as rubbish sebab emo time tulis tu.  Paksa lagi menulis time DAY OFF.  Tapi 4 chapters rubbish tu, I will keep to carry on into a possible transfer into suitable parts in the series.  Never waste your ideas.

Kadang time DAY OFF ni la yang either you get something good, ataupun sesuatu yang tidak-tidak (believe me, it was sooooo tidak...).  So that was a really down time for me.  Crying for hours.  Period kot.  Ha ha.  Hati orang pun susah nak baca, ni kan pulak hati sendiri.  Made me circle around feeling menahi.

Well, as at 8 Dec 2020, I'm on the 5th one.  So WWM has 5 books now.  Pekejadah sampai 5 buku ni?  But that means I managed to write 4 books in one month.  CS & OHT took me 1 month each book = 2,ooo words/chapter in 26 chapters.  WWM is 1,000 words/chapter in 42 chapters per book.  

Don't ask me how I do it.  I cannot explain.  Although I can manage a chapter done within 30-60 minutes at any given time.  

Tapi, it's not always macam tu.  But that is also how it can go 8 chapters in one day.  I don't want to jinx it though.  Sekali bila keluar, it keeps going.  Ada jugak time dia stuck -- tak mencapai target jumlah perkataan per chapter.  So move on je lah to next chapter.  Ada jugak hari yang langsung tak berbunyi kecuali deruan air di pantai terus ke laut. 

Chapter 1 of Book 5 is still in progress.  I took time layan YouTube.  Sambil dengar lagu.

Teringat for the first one I published on Wattpad.  Ada lagu yang stuck in my brain.  Pada hal cerita tu dah considered done.  It bothered me for 2-3 days sebab the message was just stuck.  Pain.  So that itself became extra chapters in the middle of the book.  Baffling lah jugak kalau diikutkan.  But camni lah.

I ni pun takde benda lain nak cerita.  Malas nak komen pasal orang dah kot.  Kalau ada yang bercerita pun I'd go, "I don't need to hear this tahi."  And I say it.  Gelak pulak diorang.  Kejujuran adalah asas jenaka kot.  Yeah lah.  Go make me stress for what??  Ha ha.  Benda yang aku pun tak nak turut terbabit.  Kang Mak emo, habis satu rumah rabak.

But then again, a few days ago pun I had to deal with some people jugak.  Same thing, "I don't really need to deal with this tahi."  Tapi kena jugak.  Cuma...  Tengah tak kuasa kot.  Ataupun nampak sangat rantaian aku dengan manusia sekarang adalah sangat terhad jadi tak begitu terbina momentum untuk ia melarat.  Either that or I have a great working team.  Apa-apa pun, biarlah ia menjadi misteri.

I'd rather be driven by other things.  But then again, maybe I need exposure semula.  Nak kena baca balik Jodi Picoult, Amy Tan.  Ada jugak beli buku Jodi Picoult.  Dah sepuluh tahun kot berdebu masih nicely wrapped in the plastic.  Lepas tu ada 2 pulak buku yang sama tapi lain front cover design dia.  Menyedihkan.  

Aku ni pun sebenarnya tengah stuck jugak ni.  Dah berapa jam layan YouTube dari lepas kerja tengok genre kesukaan diri sendiri.  Hopefully it will not keep my mind running.  Because it kinda did malam tadi, that I don't know what time I slept, dan kena bangun awal for something-something.  

I'm just enjoying my processes.  Maybe one day, or eventually, I can go into another genre.  Tulis skrip cerita drama Melayu ke...  But I think even WWM has a lot of visions in them.  

Okaylah.  Revisiting WWM Book 5 Chapter 1.  Kalau tak boleh progress, terus masuk Chapter 2.  

Kbai.

07122020 - 10 Years Anniversary

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I just realised, I have this blog since 2010.  I will need to look back lah once in a while. All the way from the beginning.  It was hilarious back then.  Photos and all.  

Bebudak pun semua dah besar.  Dah takde cerita kelakar dengan diorang.  Diorang je bully Mak diorang. Although recently I told them, I don't feel my age.  Seriously, I feel 23.  Okay, takpe bagi chance kat engkorang gelak nak matey...  Silakan.  

Orang cakap kat Abang Long.  Nanti you tell your friends, I beranakkan you when I was 5.  

Kejap tak dia dah 17?  Abang Long is 17, Abang Ngah is 15 and Cik Adik is 12.  Ye, kejap je masa berjalan.  Just when you're tired when the kids are young, laju je masa berjalan bila diorang go into teenage years.  Yang penting, Mak is 23 okay?  Jangan lupa... 

Dah, takpe, bagi chance kat korang teruskan gelak nak matey...  

Kbai

061220 - Another Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today feels like a Sunday.

Woke up late, because I couldn't sleep.  Menahan mata nak ejas something.  Entah mengapa, jangan tanya.  And I am thinking that maybe I can fall asleep again kejap lagi.  Just because I don't do well dengan tidur petang. 

I'm feeling tired now.  But waiting for an online award show, due in one hour's time.  Listening to my artist of choice and contemplating to sleep now.  Pada hal, elok je kalau tidur lagi awal tadi.  But no, it isn't lah kan. Macam-macam. Decision making kelaut.

Decidedly, I'm taking time-off from my books.  I think I need it.  Seven books has taken it's toll. I've written 3 (1 partially published, 2 unpublished) and 1 lagi is just 3 chapters away from completion -- the one ada 4 chapters of rubbish in it.  No mood nak follow through. 

Ni pun ada jugak tengah fikir nak release ke tak yang WWM - Book 1 sampai habis ke tidak.  What will happen pun if I release all out?  Kemungkinan history tak sync?  Entah.  I don't know about the hesitation. 

This project of 4 books ni, tidak diplan.  It just transcended as I needed to release my thoughts.  It became almost 80 chapters in one book ha ha ha ha.  Melampau kan?  So I had to split it. Automatically Book 2 happened, then Book 3, then suddenly got Book 4 pulak.  Just dreaming away.  Mana tau, it could go into Book 5 selepas ada mood balik nak menulis.  

I don't plan my stories.  Just write what I want to walaupun in hesitation sebelum I started about the genre.  But then again, each thing I write, is my own healing process.  INTJ pun kata, tulis je apa nak tulis, tak payah fikir lebih-lebih. 

All I know is that, if while writing suddenly I feel like breaking down, then something must happen to the characters -- like how can one conversation jadi gaduh bertekak nak mati ni?  Then if suddenly I feel berdebar, it will like, "Oh, are they finally going to berbaik -- but what kind of berbaik?  Or something else will happen?"  

I just write with the flow.  So far I haven't really made major content changes with WWM Series.  I learnt to just go je, walaupun rasa cam, merepek ke apa aku tulis ni?  I mean, an idea is an idea.  Ada masa rasa cam, hampeh je chapter tu -- but I still go on.  Leave that and just go move on to a new chapter.  Then when sendu, I go back and try to complete them semula for better flow with the content that I've written in before.  So I don't hold myself back.

Writing has helped me to let go a lot of things.  I may be more in solitude.  But in solitude, I don't have to think about other things.  I don't over worry about things I shouldn't camtu lah.  I get to be alone dalam kepala.  At least I'm not lonely anymore.

Jujur, kan aku ni?  Hahaha. Terbodo pulak rasa entah apa aku cerita ni.  Maybe I'm defrosting my mind. I don't know.  Lagi pun mungkin bulan ni I busy dengan award shows jugak kot hahaha.  I need distractions.  Human interaction pun takde kan?  So observe orang online je la.  Observation kena pun biasanya buat dendiam kan -- dah namanya pun observation...

Maybe juga in time, I can get out of the genre and write like my INTJ friend.  Her story is so interesting with Mafia background.  And each time we need to write something, we research and that puts us into a good kind of distraction walaupun orang lain tengok cam "WTH..." laidat.  

That now I'm thinking, why lah all my stories so fluffy?  But fluffy stories are feel good stories kan.  Entahlah.  Ni namanya self-convincing tak bertempat kah kah kah kah.

Even me writing here, maybe can help me find my funny again.  Maybe I've completely lost it, I don't know.  Funny morbid je la between orang yang ada.  

Okaylah. Award show dah mula. 

Kbai.

05122020 - Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Nothing special. 

Selepas lebih 2 bulan, sampai jugak balik ke sini.  Layout Blogger ni pun dah lain.  Jangan aku sesat jap lagi sudah.

So, apa sudah jadi? 

- I don't follow the news. So I dono.

Apa lagi ya...

- I don't respond to messages.

- I still don't follow through FB, IG

- I masih menulis my books

I surprise myself lah. Dari mula from beginning of September, I have 7 books (3 published, 4 unpublished) on Wattpad. My writer name also different. 

- I rebranded myself to a different name

- I leave the names on FB and IG the same

- I created another account for myself in other platforms

Orang pun tak kenal kut dah kut if I go out of the house. It took a while for me to get here, without intention. 

But the writing has helped me to purge my brains out. Takde dah circling thought yang consistent. I translate them into writing stories instead.  Walaupun genre dia mungkin orang lain tak boleh layan, tapi my concept now, even though still concern orang judge me, but as a friend tells me -- "Pi mampos lah.  They are your stories." 

I really appreciate genuine friends.  Boleh kira dengan jari.  Cukuplah.  Takde nak pening kepala jaga hati orang. 

My journey to sanity...  I'm still working through it.  It's still a trying process.  Tu sebab I take myself out social media.  I takde rasa compelled to want something, or judge about something.  Just concentrate to validate diri sendiri yang masih berputar-putar kepalanya, just not as bad as last time.

- Insomnia masih ada, tapi tak kerap macam dulu. It used to be 4-5AM kadang baru boleh lelap.

- Crying?  Has been easier. At least tau hati tak seketung dulu.

- Depression?  Better, but everyone needs an off day to just let themselves be in despair.  

For my INTJ friend and I, we call it our 'DAY OFF'.  The day we just let ourselves be down or cry or just rant -- just being down with what ever the hell is going on in our lives.  We acknowledge it as a healthy process. One or two days off will be good for the whole month dari you stay consistently low throughout the days.  Itu memenatkan, kan?

- Coffee?  Always.

I found a life hack from BTS in the SOOP.  Now I drink Essenso's Microground Americano.  Take a bottle of water and mix it in.  Goncang-goncangkan botol tu dah dapat Iced Americano.  One box has 20 sachets, harga RM10 (about that), dari my previous cravings:

- Mekdi, Costa, Cofea Coffee = RM8.00>/drink

- Essenso Sachet (20 sachet) = RM10.00>/10 drinks

= 4 boxes/month = RM40.00> vs RM.......

So apa lagi yang I can story?

Sebelum ni I never also think so much pasal benda-benda untuk diri sendiri.  But I have begun to buy things for myself.  

- Scented candles.

- I got myself BT21 RJ

Barang dari China pun China lah.  It makes me happy kan?  Dah aku ni pun tak berkomunikasi dengan orang.  Orang pun tak tau aku suka apa.  Ha ha ha.

Baru ni terfikir.  My INTJ likes reading.  I like writing.  I write but I don't read.  Kelakar tak?  Mana nak ada expansion diri camni?  I just like reading my own stories, and her story.  Selective reading sangat Mak ni...  So terrible.  Sama macam dengan I punya playlist.  Orang tanya takde ke lagu baru?  I listen to what I want to listen to.  

I don't even listen to the radio.  Radio only when with selective kids sebab dia tak suka my playlist.  So, okaylah nemind, I meet you in the middle.  Yang lain terpaksa redha.  You believe me or not?  Dowan to believe, I let you lah.  TV pun tak tengok.  

Sekiranya, ada yang masih rajin nak membaca perkara ini...  Dan mahu mengetahui lebih lanjut, about my books, you can PM lah.  Kalau tak nak, I oso don't mind.  It's about what you want, not what I want you to do.

And so it rains again.  Candle is on in the patio.  Me and my coffee table. 

Mood menulis has been off pun.  I've written 4 chapters of rubbish semalam since it was my DAY OFF.  It was a bad one -- 1 day/2 nights.  Menulis ni pun to thaw myself off dari emo mode and it seems to be working.  I've also let go of the previous playlist that I was listening too. 

Lagu tu is in a different language.  But I feel, so it caught me bad, and even more bila I realise that the lyrics are as how I felt it.  It pulled me down.  Then now... I'm recovering lah kot.

I pun dah takde cerita kelakar nak cerita sebab benda yang kelakar to me is irrelevant to you all kot.  The jokes that I have in my head.  Otak tak center, camnilah...  Lagi seronok mereng sendirian dari dengar cerita pasal orang lain. 

Life's nicer when you live it simpler. 

Kbai.

Rant. 2 Oct 2020.

Watikah hari ini adalah...

2 October 2020 ye hari ni. Dah masuk 2nd wave COVID19. 

Hari ni, Mak struggle macam biasa. Dengan insomnia, dengan kopi, dengan menulis. Self distraction yang ada jugak menjadi sesuatu hasil. Sempat tulis 2 buku syok sendiri, simpan sorang-sorang. Kalau ada yang tiber nak baca tu, boleh PM tepi. Bukan apa pun. Fanfiction je. Betul la hasil syok sendiri. Kan. Mak tak tipu.

Mungkin sebab I'm at the peak of exhaustion, nak layan orang pun malas. Especially yang needy ones. I just, cannot. 

I will give you attention when I want to. You don't need to come asking it from me la, repetitively macam, perlu sangat ke perhatian sampai tak boleh nak memberikan perhatian terhadap diri sendiri? Awak tu belajarlah penuhkan hati sendiri. Semorang pun struggle gak. Ko ingat aku duduk dendiam tu tak struggle ke? Aku sampai withdrawal, tapi tak sibuk pulak nak ganggu orang.

Tapi ni la. Sebenarnya, I'm triggered pagi ni. Memang senang triggered la rasanya sekarang ni. Ada la dalam 2-3 triggered yang tornado. 

Sebelum aku bukak mulut ni, ko maafkan je la aku ni sebab I am seriously exhausted. 

Trouble sleeping, insomnia... Ko ada laki ke, takde laki ke, ko tido sorang ke, ada roommate ke, tetap namanya insomnia kalau tak boleh tido. Is it treatable? Is state of mind? Is it emotional? Is it... Sila fill in the blank sendiri.

How my life is, it's not the same with yours. Yours is not the same with your next door neighbour. Your next door neighbour's life is not the same like long lost cousin Brad Pitt or Park Seo Joon, mahupun Shukri Yahaya. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

So, understand lah yang semua orang ada social distancing diri diorang sendiri. Semua ada emotional barrier sendiri yang tak sama. Bukan semua rasa group video calls tu seronok. Bukan semua rasa updates kat social media tu perlu. Then lagi satu, kau yang kaki lurker tu, reti pulak nak sembang belakang rasa kurang berkenan dengan posting orang. 

Biarlah. Kau ke sumber kebahagiaan dia? Confirm bukan kau yang bagi dia duit makan, belanja beli gula-gula mentara isikan minyak keta dia kat Caltex kan? Agak-agaklah...

Oleh sebab itu pembabitan diri dalam FB adalah... bila ada orang tag je. Atau bila nak tengok feed of my K-Pop bands je. Even if I post, it's either a random one or for my own personal self-reminder walaupun itu adalah K-Pop yang orang lain tak suka. IG pulak, sebab I'm not visual. So I post photos and go. That's it.

Memula tadi ingat trigger pagi ni... Well, in the end selepas aku terlelap lawan mata dan sakit kepala, otak pun dah mula rational balik.

I'm just saying... People won't understand your actions, tapi setiap action mesti bersebab. 

...because I just want to.

...because I want to find out what happens.

...because I am angry/sad/happy.

And some people don't feel it's wrong to be that way, sebab diorang tak nampak/tak perasan/tak sedar diorang macam tu. 

I used to WANT to make people understand. Tapi sekarang macam... dia tak sampai la lagi sampai level 'pi mampos', cuma... takpelah, I'll let you discover for yourself - so at least you'll be distracted enough and not kacau my personal space. 

The only issue that comes up from this is, the distancing is bothering you. So you create things supaya orang responsive to you, using control - which of course, personally, bothers me. Instead of opening the space, my reaction is, "Okay, never mind. I'll just let you play out your emotions over there," and I close the door until you finish, or not. It doesn't matter.

And now, "Mak, kenapa kau suka KPop sekarang?" Dengan muka blank, aku nak je tanya dia balik, "Kenapa kau suka small talk dengan aku? Sebab kau takde life ke?"

Kenapa kau senyap sekarang?

Sebab aku sedang berkawan dengan diri sendiri. 

Aku tengah mencari impian.

I am exhausted.

I am sad, happy, depressed, withdrawing, lost, happy, pushing myself up, writing, creating, crying, jumping.

Does it matter? If I do matter, then someone would actually to dare ask me. Tapi bukan sebab benda ni sensasi. Bukan sebab, macam terpaksa buat je. 

Kalau kau buat benda ikhlas, hasilnya sebaik boleh jadi ikhlas. Cuma ya dengan tidak je rezeki kau benda tu menjadi sekarang atau kemudian. Sama dengan orang berniat sesuatu dengan kau, tapi kau pun senyap sebab kau free masa dia sibuk, dan dia free masa kau pun free tapi dia tak call kau. 

Takpe. Hidup orang lain-lain. 

For now, I need human connections. Yang ikhlas, jujur dan tak serabut. I have literally separated my life like oil and water. 

So you choose. Literally, I'm asking you to choose, if you want to be in my water, or be the oil? 

Then be sincere.

Be kind.

Be genuine.

Be jujur. 

I don't expect also for you to have this mindset. But at least, mungkin dapat bukakan mata you untuk nampak this perspective. Just because relationship, human contact, is not yours with mine. It's yours with the whole world.

Okay, tu je. Sebab Mak kena ambik Abang Long balik sekolah.

Kbai.

 

The Journey to Korea

Crash Landing on You

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Hari ni would be like literally Day 30 of MCO. Kan? Sebab it went into effect on 18 March 2020. Today is 17 April 2020.

Sitting in the office to settle some documents. But I'm so sleepy. Dok layan Crash Landing on You (CLOY) malam tadi. In fact, dah berapa malam ni.

Memula I was like, okay so sweet to watch. I didn't have that crazy melipat gantung anxiety just to keep watching into the next episodes. Ada hari, nak mula pun lazy. But I pushed through. And when I watched the ending, I was like, oh, it's an okay ending but I didn't quite like it. Tak tau kenapa. Macam, I wanted more affirmation or something. Entah.

But the moment I switched off the tv, I began crying in the dark. Laaagi tak tau kenapa. Just tears rolling down my face. Main game phone pun, tolak-tolak buah dengan buah tak nak bergerak sebab screen tak boleh sense jari basah lap air mata.

Dah la kena nangis senyap-senyap. Kalau tak kang laki marah apa pasai tak tidoq lagi... dah tengah malam ke pagi ni...

This morning, I'm watching behind the scenes. Sejam gak duduk dalam kereta bila sampai ofis dalam tak sedar. Sambil tu siap order Korean food on Foodpanda.

Entahlah apa pulak this thing that's slowly turning into an apparent obsession. Because I'm Googling Hyun Bin and Son Ye Jin and news saying Hyun Bin is suing anyone saying he's dating Son Ye Jin and they are planning to marry after the filming of CLOY.

Link: http://theindependent.sg/hyun-bin-taking-legal-action-against-rumours-involving-son-ye-jin/

I think, the whole story entirely has given me this impact on human nature. This feeling of being protected, being taken care of, being saved without knowing... adalah sangat menusuk. But at the same time, if take another look at it, it can be like this character on My Coffee Prince, Hadi (Malaysian Version) yang so hung up dengan Ira. But both views are interesting to me.

Character Hadi is sitting.

The 20s feeling of protection is different at 40s. CLOY's love is late 20s/early 30s. And in the hindsight, what have I done for the last 40 years? If life hasn't been fulfilling, then how short has 40 years been?

But I think the story is a successful one. Because it brought you out of your own environment, into theirs. Take what's on your mind, to focus on them. Even if you didn't feel, then it leaves you with it later.

All in the end, everybody wants to feel loved, protected and cared for. In their case, they get to live it in the Swiss Alps.

Memudahkanlah

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today in the office again. Nak menaip dalam status, malas nak bukak. Aku dah on mode DND. No calls or messages will be notified to me selagi aku tak tengok phone. Only the people I star in contact list je boleh tembus call through. 

Seperti biasa messages concerning COVID-19, the speculations, the advises, the living conditions bersebaran in messaging apps dari pagi non-stop. Korang stress tak? Aku stress. Dah berapa minggu ni. La ni ada pulak yang tengah rajin update the spread in Europe. Entahlah.

In all hardships, kita kena keep calm dulu. Mana nak tau arah mana nak tuju? Then the dust will settle - the containment. Bila dust dah settle, baru we work around the particles untuk tengok apa yang harus kita buat untuk move forward. 

Kita bantu untuk memudahkan keadaan. Membantu ke bila anak tarik kain kita, nak masuk kain, tumpah kan air, nak talipon Atok bagitau abang dia buat dia pada time kita tengah potong-potong bawang nak siap bahan untuk masak? Itu belum bahan masuk kuali. Kita nak kena masak, hidang, makan, berhenti sekejap dan kemas. Kan ada banyak step tu.

So I see a lot of effort untuk memberikan bantuan for masyarakat Malaysia. 

Dalam kita take for granted sebab aku sendiri tak perasan tentang income bikos I'm still working with a big company yang mana ia bermaksud tiada perubahan income berlaku... ramai income yang terjejas. Keja pomen kereta, potong rumput, tukan kebun, keja restoran...

How can we help at this time?

~ Ada je links yang offer to collect donation dan distribute. Yang caught my eye ada satu ni to provide susu, diaper untuk anak-anak.

~ Pergi hospitals and tanya kalau ada apa keperluan mereka. If they need food, water, or something-something?

~ Bantu provide care packages buat students stranded dalam hostels. Ada yang tak makan tentu apa, sanitary napkins, paracetamols ke apa. 

Bantu untuk mempermudahkan je. Kita tak keluar rumah, dok dendiam pun dah bantu mempermudahkan masyarakat. 

I'm not right all the time. You are too. We find middle ground. Keep calm and just tolerate each other. Cuma bila dah melampau tu la kena cakap. Bila kena cakap, well, nobody's happy. I wasn't happy also when people say insensitive certain things to me. 

What I'm saying is, we work along the line to keep progress going. You don't la start pulling the bricks out of the building sebab satu negara perlu tau apa sebenarnya yang berlaku supaya mereka lebih tahu. Sebab awak sorang buat, orang lain panic, dia pun tolong tarik keluar batu bata. Dibawanya segala martul, excavator sekali jalan. Retak, runtuh progress pembinaan tu. Satu benda tak jadi apa. 

Tetapi kalau kita bantu bancuh simen untuk pomen apa yang retak, bawak penyapu sapu, akan ada orang lain nampak dan menambahbaikkan lagi keadaan bangunan tu. Orang akan dapat selesaikan faster sesuatu itu sebaik mungkin. 

In short, nak tolong, biar tolong elok-elok. 

So, so many penduduk are without salaries. Minimum wage people, hospitals, miskin bandar, stranded students... If you want to help them, help them (until it makes you so happy your it cracks a smiley in your heart). No obligation pun. Yang penting, apa yang kau berikan itu adalah ikhlas.

Aunty pun hanya boleh menulis.

Hanya boleh bawak sebanyak mana hati boleh bawak.

Because my heart cracks too. 

But who cares anyway?

We are all human.

Jujur

Watikah hari ini adalah...

For some reason aku rasa hiba sangat. Hiba dengan segala emosi yang aku telah menarik masuk secara sengaja ataupun tidak sengaja untuk duduk dalam relung aura aku ni. Sesak. Ya, sesak. Aku sesak dengan energon orang lain walaupun tidak ada pertemuan face to face pun.

So far dalam tempoh 2 minggu ni, aku dah rasa macam:

1. Nak uninstall WA.

2. Then rasa cam nak uninstall FB pulak. IG takde sangat sebab aku memang tak bukak pun sangat. 2-3 minggu sekali. Eiii jangan kecam sis, berdosa.

3. Nak tutup je semua, pakai phone butang tapi kang takleh main game.

Perkara-perkara yang aku dah ada ulang a few times before tetapi entah kepada siapa tak ingat. 

Ni jujurlah. 

I'm sorry, I kenot. I refuse to handle your emotions and so close to blocking you on WA. 

I am sufficient to myself. But you need to fulfill that for yourself, by yourself. No one will ever be able to fill it for you. And I just can't take your over-spilling all across so many groups we share to be in. 

Alas, this is my most rational decision. I am hereby door-slamming you, with no regret.

Until the right time arrives.

Lockdown

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I'm so sick of the reception at the office. I thought mungkin sebab dah takde orang, mesti reception elok. Tapi tak. So sekarang ni aku off terus phone. Ei. Sakit hati betul tau!

Ya, hari ni lockdown. Aku adalah masih ke ofis sebab nak settlekan sebarang dua untuk orang. Aku juga nak mengambil peluang settlekan bills yang ada, and push them to someone else while I'm here. This is so I don't have to bring back files and files home. Untuk perkara itu saja nanti aku kena bawak balik 6 files dan mungkin ada trouble with some docs that I had probably just scanned, tapi tak sempat print = incomplete. 

Was still at home at 9 something tadi. So I asked dalam group geng makcik bawang kitorang (support staffs), siapa yang kerja hari ni. Food is a problem kan. Semalam I bought breakfast set and a burger for lunch. But one staff was hungry without food. I shared la one of the burgers. Tengahari order Foodpanda. 

Jadi pagi ni ingatkan boleh tapaukan sekali apa-apa kalau diperlukan. Semua pun membisu. Okaylah. Kecik hati telan sendiri, padahal orang tengah masuk bilik air atau sidai baju kat luar, mungkin. 

Kita pun kongsi la kata, ingatkan tadi nak tolong tapaukan Mekdi. Sekali mereka tidak sekali-kali dah membisu. 

"MEKDI LAGI??!!"

Acik pulak yang membisu.

"Habis tu mana lagi ada drive-through? KFC ke? Tu je kan kot yang bukak ke, kita tak tau."

Ya, tak tau.  Jadi I thought, eh Petronas oso got sell breakfast whaaat... Nak mee goreng lah. 

Takde mee goreng nya. Yang ada, hot dog pelik. Ada ke pepperoni susun atas hotdog tu? Entah, tak paham aku. Aku beli 2 sandwiches (breakfast and lunch), 2 cups of hot coffee (breakfast and lunch), seketul jajan dan aku lupa pulak nak beli chocolate. Chalow. 

On the way tu, reception phone masih bagus. Diorang dah mula dari rumah sebab memasing ada laptop sendiri. Sistem Anydesk is working for them. Okaylah. Bagus. I'm just waiting for my laptop pinjam ofis punya to be set up. So much work IT is doing on a short frame of time. Ramai yang still working in of service for others. Thank you u'olls!

Baiklah. I don't have anything else to say. Phone dah di ON kan semula. Reception still cam hanat tak boleh dimaafkan tapi what choice have I got.

Be safe, stay safe.

Aunty Flu

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Hari ni Aunty fefeeling pretty sebab orang tak nampak muka Aunty. It's hidden disebalik topeng. 

I needed it hari tu. Last week I was on MC for 2 days. Had flu and I was sneezing all the time, peeing in my pants every time I sneezed. Nasib baik Aunty ni pompuan, stock pad banyak. Ha ha ha. Tapi tu lah, lama aku fikir WTH aku simpan stock mask ni. Rupanya bila dah balik opis hari ni, baru jumpa.

So over the weekend, I still took precautionary. Aunty still had to go to the mall (ye netizen jangan kau kecam acik ni) because I had to make little children happy. Belikan prezen untuk birthday anak buah. AEON Mall pun ada sediakan sanitizer at each entrance and main help desk counters. Aunty pun pakai mask.

Okaylah Aunty dah malas nak tulis pulak dah. Momentum dah hilang.

...............

Kelas Eksesais

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Aku nervous sebenarnya. Belum apa-apa dah gugup. Sebab I was coaxed to join kelas bersenam. Hahaha. Kalau korang gelak pun aku tak kisah sebab hahaha... Just because...

Last week was the first class. Ramai yang baru first time. Aku ni idok le first time, tapi I pernah fill in untuk other people yang tak dapat attend class tersebut. Time tu gigih lagi boleh nak ikut instructor dia. Tapi in the class last week, terasa macam aku pulak nak sekolah kan cikgu tu hahaha...

So bikos I couldn't keep up, this was what I did mostly... 

Kesian kot kat orang lain. But I was really trying to enjoy it - up to my extent lah... 

Aku dengan buncit gastric, buncit nak period. Hanya disebabkan aku berat je la aku tak terbang cam belon. Paham tak? Hahaha. Nak pergi tu pun, nak sarung baju pun dah exercise teroook!

So untuk memperjelaskan lagi keadaan dalam ruang senaman tersebut, it was kind of laidis...

I was like... "Okaylah whatever whatever..." guling bijik mata ke atas and JUST DO IT! Kah kah kah... Obviously my way la kan.

Ye lah. I oso don't exercise. Sebab dah memang berpeluh menanti, dah sakit kepala tunggu keluar masuk kereta... aaaaah... ye lah. I just don't like to sweat because I sweat terrible. And then when I exercise, I kenot cover my head bikos it will make me mad. 

Like how, mad?

Be like, "What la laidis PUNYA HOT, MAKE ME RIMASSS *cabut the tudung campak to the ground, jump on it many times* (insert all kinds of shouts and screaming here. Last only got little bit nangis. Aih. I terrible this.)???!!!!".

Some what laidis...

Or laidis...

And mixture of this...

And this...

Aih, I so terrible. 

Yang mungkin antara sebab sebenarnya adalah bengang dengan diri sendiri je bikos the worst critic is always yourself. Macam, 

...benda boleh buat, tapi kenapa tak nak buat? 

Lepas dah tu dah boleh buat, kenapa tak boleh nak buat? 

Dah memang kena buat, tapi kenapa tak buat? 

Betul ke tak boleh buat?

*Tergumam jap*

Okay jangan nak sambung soalan tu. Sebab tetiba otak Mak dah jadi blank. Oopsie... sendiri tulis, sendiri triggered. I sentap dengan diri sendiri. 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Pehal bodo betul pompuan ni. Dah la kelas tu malam ni.............

So...

I still...

Have to be looking forward to tonight's class... la kan?

(Quiet) yeayyy... 

Good luck to me...

(Walaupun sebenarnya rasa sedeynakmatey...)

Kbai.

Mencari Hidayah

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Berhari-hari pulak rajin nak menulis ni. I think, agak baguslah tetiba ada momentum ni. Ada creativity kembali. Dah jumpa balik mentol. Kah kah kah. Mentol yang hilang. Hahaha.

As I begin to write again (cewah), I am reminded of a few people. Antara orang tu adalah Hidayah. Budaknya tinggi, mulus, mulut cam bertih, suara cam petir hahaha. At one point, I pernah shut this blog page for private viewing. Takde pun nak set untuk sesiapa baca - I didn't think anyone was reading pun. But she called me, mintak bagi access for her. 

"Eh why la you want? Some more I never update... Eh why larrr???"

"Eh. Eh eh... Why you eh me? As I like la... Be like sookahati I la nak buat apa I nak." 

Biadap betul si Hidayah ni. Oleh kerana itu, dia menjadi antara makhluk terpilih untuk masuk menggunakan password ~ "LAPORPO WATAKUNGSI, landing time". Password yang tak semorang akan dapat teka or remember how to spell. (Bikos only today oso I learnt it WATAKUNGSI, bukan PATAKUNGSI.) Tapi itulah, dia kan makhluk terpilih dah aku kata. 

Haha. Pandai pulak aku buat cerita, kan? Elok je dia bertanya. Dia kata dia suka baca especially pasal about my kids. It entertains her. Then tetiba dia pun muncul, tanya balik about this blog. 

Tersentuh hati Mak, Aunty, Grandmother, Fairy Godmother everything everything everything lah!

It made me feel laidis inside you know...

Be like, "Eh boleh la, kak. Please please, Dayah nak baca..."

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"OK".

(So much for my biyachi resting face LOL.)

Thank you Dayah.

Tapi kan Dayah... Setiap kali teringatkan kemulusan, ketinggian... Suara, intonasi, gelak kau yang so sangat senang berjangkit (eh what BM this?)... Always forever, I see your face first. And then I remember this face...

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Hi hi hi hi hi...

You don't angry-angry okay. This Dayah and that Dayah oso both sooooo funny people. If you angry-angry, people will laugh at you more because you are funny people. Eh.

I also have a lot of cleaning up to do. 

1. To relabel the tags on all posts of this blog.
2. To clear my work station.
3. To clear my almari and tudung laci.

Nak citer la. 

Disebabkan tudung aku makin banyak tanpa disengajakan, laki Mak terpaksa beli laci 4 tingkat. DIY pasang sendiri. Time beli tu si Bibik bercuti kat kampung. Tapi tu la kan, Bibik kami ni pun adalah insan terpilih. Sebab the day dia balik kerja kat sini, the drawer slides patah. It took about about 2 weeks to have 3 drawer slides patah. Ko jangan tanyalah apa dia buat sampai patah semua tu.

Itupun dah letak tepi dah tudung-tudung yang nak dijual semula. 

Nantilah. Bila mentol fairy lights ada timbul nak menyala, kita onzzz...

Kbai.

Kejadian Pagi Tadi

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Okay so tetiba hari ni ada urge nak menulis. Nak post on FB, kena tengok phone lama-lama. This one with keyboard is faster. Aci kan.

So Abang Long has to be in TUDM Shah Alam area this morning at 9.00AM for this training la. Cikgu tak boleh bawak dia sebab kereta penuh. "Dia ada baby seat dalam kereta tapi dia tak nak alihkan," Abang Long explained. Baiklah, Mak ambilmaklum. 

Kita pun arrangelah mintak tolong dengan Mak Long sebab ofis Mak Long dalam area situ. Kejamlah nak mintak tolong Nenek to get him there at that time. And Mak Long said okay. Cuma kena keluar awal la, perap jap Abang Long kat dalam ofis dia, baru Mak Long hantar dia ke tempat yang diperlukan.

But this was what happened:

1. Mak Long sampai. Diorang breakfast kat bawah tu. Mak bawak diri nak memerut. 

2. Mak pun mandi dan siap. Tetiba Abang Long call. 

"Mak dah pergi work ke?"
"Why?"
"Ala Mak ni, I nak angry dengan Mak la sebab Mak tak baca message I."
"Whut." 😐
"Bacalah message. I'm on my way back."
"Whuuuttt..." Kan budak tu dah pergi - why otw back?
"Baca la message I tu, Maaaak... Kbai..."

   

3. He forwarded me message dari cikgu that said basically venue tak confirm, to continue buat kat sekolah rendah terpilih (despite bebudak sekolah tu tengah periksa dan diorang nak avoidkan gangguan sebenarnya) pukul 9.30pagi ni instead.

Korang tau tak...

Mak Long dah drive sampai traffic light Seksyen 13. Patah balik. Tak ke patah hati kau dengar? Dah patah balik rumah, dia kena patah balik gi ofis. 

Aku confirm patah hati. Sebab patah-patah balik. Menyusahkan orang. Menyusahkan kita fikir mana bila how to get the PARTICIPANT (anak aku le tu) to comply with the event preparation. Transport kena arrange sendiri. Duit belanja kena bagi jumlah lain sebab makan luar. Nanti balik lain pulak halnya kan.

Cikgu ni pun tak fikirkan convenience orang lain. Ingat semua Mak Bapak bagi ke, mampu ke, setuju ke nak bagi anak-anak naik Grab? Peak hour tu kot. Ada mungkin RM20 kata Mak Long tadi kalau di Grabkan Abang Long tu. Kalau dah kena patah balik?

Nasib baiklah hari ni sakit perut aku menahi lambat turun. Mentara Abang Long dengan Mak Long sampai, aku dah ready nak bawak Abang Long to the sekolah rendah terpilih itu. Nasib baik jugak tahun ni ofis aku dah apply flexi hour kalau tak berjebar la reason mengapa aku masuk lambat hari ni. 

In the car, aku dah:

- "Eh you tell your teacher, 'Mak not angry okay teacher. She asked me to tell you DIA MURKA sebab cikgu dah menyusahkan semua orang until my Mak Long lambat masuk ofis bikos she had to patah balik DEKAT TRAFFIC LIGHT SEKSYEN 13 (u'olls - eh)'".

Sedang nak gostan kereta, sekali si Bibik pulak keluar. Nampak dia bawak dompet. Aku tunggu dalam kereta, terus dia masuk. Takde pun dia tanya aku nak ke mana ke, beritahu dia nak ke mana ke. Kalau aku nak Kuala Kangsar cemana? Nak bawak gi jual dia ke? Hahaha. 

"Awak nak gi mana ni?"

"Saya nak ke kedeeeiiii... Mau beli obat. Ssssaaakkiiit sangggaaaatttt."

Ha ye lah. Yang tau, kau dah masuk dalam kereta kan? Kah kah kah. Dan perut aku dah berkeroncong. Kah kah kah. Aku kan ada gastric. Mana boleh perut kosong lama-lama. Dah la terlupa makan ubat harian diatas kekusutan ini. 

Mana satu aku nak buat ni dulu ni ya. So I made a plan:

"Mak turunkan Abang Long kat gerai Makcik Iza, belikan Mak Nasi Lemak. Takde drumstick, beli paru. Nah duit. Nanti Mak datang balik."

Drop.

"Bibik nak gi kedai mana? Saya tunggu."

Drop. Tunggu.

Mentara datang balik kat gerai tu, muka Abang Long dah bengkak - "Lamanya I tunggu..." 

Oh. Lama eh. Lama jugak nak tunggu Abang Long masak dalam perut Mak. 9 bulan tau. Banyak la lama.

Naik balik nak drop Bibik, sekali dengan Abang Long Abang Long sekali turun. Dah kenapa? Aku salah faham ke... Salah informasi ke... Salah dididik ke...

"I tertinggal barang"

Tak ke nasib baik tu. Nasib baik aku tunggu Bibik kau tu ye. Kalau tak patah balik rumah, takde la teringat ke, terus dapat nak ambik barang tertinggal tu, KE TAK? KE TAAAAKKKK??

So I got him to the sekolah rendah. And got myself to work.

Dan masih belum makan pun nasi lemak tersebut, yang mana aku haruslah... Baitan emosi menggamit perasaan yang sampai aaah nasi lemak ke, Quaker oat ke, pizza ke... aku kena gak melempiaskan it somewhere. 

Okay dah. Bye.

Kabinet Baru

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Petang tadi PM Malaysia ke-8, Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, dah officially announcekan new line up of cabinet for the parliament. Dan hari ni dah mula nampak the summary of jawatan and their faces.

Tahniah semua. 

I'm excited KJ Daddy Cool is back. And Mufti dilantik sebagai Menteri Hal-Ehwal Agama - the best person for the job.

Semoga dapat menjalankan tugas-tugas anda dengan terbaik. It's not about money - because we are still trying to get out of debt yang sangat banyak pun kan. People are just wanting leaders who can do the job well. And also the people have shown what they could do with their votes juga kan.

Okay, now let's all get to work!

9 March 2020 - Fokus Balik Kepada Hati

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Welkam 2020. 

Pelbagai jenis emosi berbait, berbolak-balik dalam tempoh berapa bulan ni di tanah airku Malaysia kan? Mestilah cara penyelesaian masalah pun dalam cara grade tertinggi jugak. How thrilling the mind works. Macam mana pun aku sangat bersyukur kita masih ada perpaduan yang baik dan tak menggunakan sebarang kekerasan pun, unlike some other countries going through political changes.

Now I write more on FB. Dari status nak up biasa, dah terjadi macam blog posting. Enjoyable sebab it's more direct. I hoped that this blog could possibly be up again but it's like, died and no other way to revive it selain dari tulis review so that it could pop up when people search for something. 

Sayang tau. Dah sepuluh tahun kot benda ni running. Cik Adik dulu umur 2 tahun, sekarang dah UPSR. 10 years oredi now.

At this point, aku takde citer la. Nothing specific cuma cam, nak merekodkan pada masa ini, Malaysia is having the 2nd wave of Covid-19 (Corona Virus). The first wave was end of January/early February 2020. So far no fatality. 

Patient #26 is a father to Abang Long's classmate. We were all so surprised and sadden when his mom broke it out to the class WhatsApp group. It's good that I don't see the conversation in the group be flooded and shared elsewhere - not even into the school's all form levels. 

We respect that it is a hard time for them, for him. 

We felt the need to protect the information. Not to raise panic. Keep everyone calm. No one rushing for shots or tests. Only the need to be quiet. And hope that the family does well.

So last Friday, she informed the class that the family is clear from their 2-week quarantine. They are no longer suspects but will continue to quarantine themselves for another week or 2 for the benefit of the public. Sebulanlah nanti anak yang SPM bound will be out of school.

However, Patient #26 is still being treated. No news yet of his progress. I just hope everything will be well. It is a trying time for him, his family, his environment and the whole nation. And a fraction has been quite mean about it. But they forget that some things, you never had full control off from the start. Just, move forward.

Adakah blog ini tetiba menjadi my hidden thoughts and feelings pocket? I think it probably just did. I mean, I put all my nonsense out in FB. 

Aku harap kalau korang baca ni, setakat baca je lah. Tak payah nak forward forward. 

Aku menulis ni pun sekadar meluahkan rasa. I don't know if I can think or handle if I terbabit dalam situasi sama. Having to handle perasaan risau diri sendiri terhadap suami, anak-anak, sekolah, neighbours, family, extended families, friends, friends of friends, business people. Ni kan pulak masyarakat ramai dah bersuarakan pendapat.

Okaylah. Kabinet baru pun dah tersusun kot by now. Malam ni, sampai esok hangat cerita lain pulak kan? So kita jadi apa? Kita just make our environment work. Tu je. At least, that is for me. 

Akhir kata, aku mendoakan Patient #26 sembuh. Kedengaran pada saat aku menulis ni, keadaannya, sedang tidak meyakinkan. Semoga dia diberikan kekuatan tubuh badan, dan diberikan kekuatan diri untuk keluarganya selangsung-langsungnya.  

Semoga semua dipermudahkan.