Sunday 6 December 2020

061220 - Another Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today feels like a Sunday.

Woke up late, because I couldn't sleep.  Menahan mata nak ejas something.  Entah mengapa, jangan tanya.  And I am thinking that maybe I can fall asleep again kejap lagi.  Just because I don't do well dengan tidur petang. 

I'm feeling tired now.  But waiting for an online award show, due in one hour's time.  Listening to my artist of choice and contemplating to sleep now.  Pada hal, elok je kalau tidur lagi awal tadi.  But no, it isn't lah kan. Macam-macam. Decision making kelaut.

Decidedly, I'm taking time-off from my books.  I think I need it.  Seven books has taken it's toll. I've written 3 (1 partially published, 2 unpublished) and 1 lagi is just 3 chapters away from completion -- the one ada 4 chapters of rubbish in it.  No mood nak follow through. 

Ni pun ada jugak tengah fikir nak release ke tak yang WWM - Book 1 sampai habis ke tidak.  What will happen pun if I release all out?  Kemungkinan history tak sync?  Entah.  I don't know about the hesitation. 

This project of 4 books ni, tidak diplan.  It just transcended as I needed to release my thoughts.  It became almost 80 chapters in one book ha ha ha ha.  Melampau kan?  So I had to split it. Automatically Book 2 happened, then Book 3, then suddenly got Book 4 pulak.  Just dreaming away.  Mana tau, it could go into Book 5 selepas ada mood balik nak menulis.  

I don't plan my stories.  Just write what I want to walaupun in hesitation sebelum I started about the genre.  But then again, each thing I write, is my own healing process.  INTJ pun kata, tulis je apa nak tulis, tak payah fikir lebih-lebih. 

All I know is that, if while writing suddenly I feel like breaking down, then something must happen to the characters -- like how can one conversation jadi gaduh bertekak nak mati ni?  Then if suddenly I feel berdebar, it will like, "Oh, are they finally going to berbaik -- but what kind of berbaik?  Or something else will happen?"  

I just write with the flow.  So far I haven't really made major content changes with WWM Series.  I learnt to just go je, walaupun rasa cam, merepek ke apa aku tulis ni?  I mean, an idea is an idea.  Ada masa rasa cam, hampeh je chapter tu -- but I still go on.  Leave that and just go move on to a new chapter.  Then when sendu, I go back and try to complete them semula for better flow with the content that I've written in before.  So I don't hold myself back.

Writing has helped me to let go a lot of things.  I may be more in solitude.  But in solitude, I don't have to think about other things.  I don't over worry about things I shouldn't camtu lah.  I get to be alone dalam kepala.  At least I'm not lonely anymore.

Jujur, kan aku ni?  Hahaha. Terbodo pulak rasa entah apa aku cerita ni.  Maybe I'm defrosting my mind. I don't know.  Lagi pun mungkin bulan ni I busy dengan award shows jugak kot hahaha.  I need distractions.  Human interaction pun takde kan?  So observe orang online je la.  Observation kena pun biasanya buat dendiam kan -- dah namanya pun observation...

Maybe juga in time, I can get out of the genre and write like my INTJ friend.  Her story is so interesting with Mafia background.  And each time we need to write something, we research and that puts us into a good kind of distraction walaupun orang lain tengok cam "WTH..." laidat.  

That now I'm thinking, why lah all my stories so fluffy?  But fluffy stories are feel good stories kan.  Entahlah.  Ni namanya self-convincing tak bertempat kah kah kah kah.

Even me writing here, maybe can help me find my funny again.  Maybe I've completely lost it, I don't know.  Funny morbid je la between orang yang ada.  

Okaylah. Award show dah mula. 

Kbai.

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