Today I'm on leave, clearing out my leaves for the year.
I feel suddenly down, out of nowhere. I miss my Golliwog. Juga, I've stopped writing. Ada a little bit of progress hari tu. Then suddenly, I just couldn't. Tak jumpa semula momentum. Instead I've been doing other things for my own distractions.
Entah la kenapa rasa low. Kalau ni time for a holiday, it should have been a holiday kan. But no one is travelling. I need to keep money anyway. Been spending on food. Nak cantikkan diri sendiri. Making myself be better.
I need to sort out my thoughts. The whole time maybe people think I am different. I mean, going back to dedulu punya posts like 10 years back, funny kept me sane. But now, funny also hard for me to find. I just close myself in.
Why am I even writing this? Maybe I'm beginning to feel hopeful for myself. Bila tak menulis, I have to be introspective into myself. If I stop writing, what else do I put my concentration in? It has begin to open my eyes. Berat for myself to deal with. And things like these are the things you'd have to do yourself. No one else can help you.
So I took that 2 hour walk in the mall the other day. I ate what I wanted, I beli barang yang I nak. I took my time and blocked all the things that has been bothering me. I've managed to do it for the past few days. Cuma suddenly at this mid-day, I feel sad. Is it grieving? Sense of loss?
Maybe it is. Because it's time to begin with a new cycle. I need to sort my things. Sort my head. Throw out what I don't need, or can't wear anymore so I can move on.
For the future me, I love you. You may not be successful, or become what you hoped to be. But I know you've tried. Even if you reach a point where just breathing was all you did that day.
Kbai.
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