Saturday, 26 December 2020

26122020

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I have been on a spiritual journey.  Dah tak menulis dah.  Instead, I have been watching YouTubes je so far this month.  Ada spiritual awakening.  Seeing what has been going on, what I have been dealing with.  Just a lot of things.

Thinking of a career change.  Maybe somewhere I can write, or help people to realise isi hati masing-masing.  Realising your self-worth. 

Nak cerita pasal self-worth...  Is too deep to talk about.  Like, being hopeful that things can change but not changing.  Then suddenly you wake up in the morning and being able to see yourself inside.  So I want to change.  Because I'm tired.  

I wish I can update lagi tapi...  Tengoklah.  If I feel like it. 

PS/ I speak in English with I'm in really deep.  I hope you won't mind it.  I don't even know if anyone reads.  But this would be for me.  

Friday, 18 December 2020

18122020 - My Abyss

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today I'm on leave, clearing out my leaves for the year.

I feel suddenly down, out of nowhere.  I miss my Golliwog.  Juga, I've stopped writing.  Ada a little bit of progress hari tu.  Then suddenly, I just couldn't.  Tak jumpa semula momentum.  Instead I've been doing other things for my own distractions.

Entah la kenapa rasa low.  Kalau ni time for a holiday, it should have been a holiday kan.  But no one is travelling.  I need to keep money anyway.  Been spending on food.  Nak cantikkan diri sendiri.  Making myself be better. 

I need to sort out my thoughts.  The whole time maybe people think I am different.  I mean, going back to dedulu punya posts like 10 years back, funny kept me sane.  But now, funny also hard for me to find.  I just close myself in.  

Why am I even writing this?  Maybe I'm beginning to feel hopeful for myself.  Bila tak menulis, I have to be introspective into myself.  If I stop writing, what else do I put my concentration in?  It has begin to open my eyes.  Berat for myself to deal with.  And things like these are the things you'd have to do yourself.  No one else can help you.  

So I took that 2 hour walk in the mall the other day.  I ate what I wanted, I beli barang yang I nak.  I took my time and blocked all the things that has been bothering me.  I've managed to do it for the past few days.  Cuma suddenly at this mid-day, I feel sad.  Is it grieving?  Sense of loss?

Maybe it is.  Because it's time to begin with a new cycle.  I need to sort my things.  Sort my head.  Throw out what I don't need, or can't wear anymore so I can move on.  

For the future me, I love you.  You may not be successful, or become what you hoped to be.  But I know you've tried.  Even if you reach a point where just breathing was all you did that day.

Kbai.

Wednesday, 9 December 2020

09122020 - Book Progress

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I was tellling my INTJ pagi kelmarin -- "I'm going to pause my writing."  And she went, "WHAT? WHY??" 

Ya, tetiba I felt like I needed a break.  Suddenly got OCD pulak kick in.  OCD to tie back the current and the previous ones.  That's why maybe I tak publish the remaining chapters in WWM Book 1, walaupun the story dah progress jauh dah.  Sangat jauh.  Tapi nak tengok balik pun tak kuasa.  Mood hancusss.

However tetiba kelmarin juga ni -- malam.  I just sat down and had my brain running.  Came out 4 new chapters.  Total diversion of what yang boleh dikategorikan as rubbish sebab emo time tulis tu.  Paksa lagi menulis time DAY OFF.  Tapi 4 chapters rubbish tu, I will keep to carry on into a possible transfer into suitable parts in the series.  Never waste your ideas.

Kadang time DAY OFF ni la yang either you get something good, ataupun sesuatu yang tidak-tidak (believe me, it was sooooo tidak...).  So that was a really down time for me.  Crying for hours.  Period kot.  Ha ha.  Hati orang pun susah nak baca, ni kan pulak hati sendiri.  Made me circle around feeling menahi.

Well, as at 8 Dec 2020, I'm on the 5th one.  So WWM has 5 books now.  Pekejadah sampai 5 buku ni?  But that means I managed to write 4 books in one month.  CS & OHT took me 1 month each book = 2,ooo words/chapter in 26 chapters.  WWM is 1,000 words/chapter in 42 chapters per book.  

Don't ask me how I do it.  I cannot explain.  Although I can manage a chapter done within 30-60 minutes at any given time.  

Tapi, it's not always macam tu.  But that is also how it can go 8 chapters in one day.  I don't want to jinx it though.  Sekali bila keluar, it keeps going.  Ada jugak time dia stuck -- tak mencapai target jumlah perkataan per chapter.  So move on je lah to next chapter.  Ada jugak hari yang langsung tak berbunyi kecuali deruan air di pantai terus ke laut. 

Chapter 1 of Book 5 is still in progress.  I took time layan YouTube.  Sambil dengar lagu.

Teringat for the first one I published on Wattpad.  Ada lagu yang stuck in my brain.  Pada hal cerita tu dah considered done.  It bothered me for 2-3 days sebab the message was just stuck.  Pain.  So that itself became extra chapters in the middle of the book.  Baffling lah jugak kalau diikutkan.  But camni lah.

I ni pun takde benda lain nak cerita.  Malas nak komen pasal orang dah kot.  Kalau ada yang bercerita pun I'd go, "I don't need to hear this tahi."  And I say it.  Gelak pulak diorang.  Kejujuran adalah asas jenaka kot.  Yeah lah.  Go make me stress for what??  Ha ha.  Benda yang aku pun tak nak turut terbabit.  Kang Mak emo, habis satu rumah rabak.

But then again, a few days ago pun I had to deal with some people jugak.  Same thing, "I don't really need to deal with this tahi."  Tapi kena jugak.  Cuma...  Tengah tak kuasa kot.  Ataupun nampak sangat rantaian aku dengan manusia sekarang adalah sangat terhad jadi tak begitu terbina momentum untuk ia melarat.  Either that or I have a great working team.  Apa-apa pun, biarlah ia menjadi misteri.

I'd rather be driven by other things.  But then again, maybe I need exposure semula.  Nak kena baca balik Jodi Picoult, Amy Tan.  Ada jugak beli buku Jodi Picoult.  Dah sepuluh tahun kot berdebu masih nicely wrapped in the plastic.  Lepas tu ada 2 pulak buku yang sama tapi lain front cover design dia.  Menyedihkan.  

Aku ni pun sebenarnya tengah stuck jugak ni.  Dah berapa jam layan YouTube dari lepas kerja tengok genre kesukaan diri sendiri.  Hopefully it will not keep my mind running.  Because it kinda did malam tadi, that I don't know what time I slept, dan kena bangun awal for something-something.  

I'm just enjoying my processes.  Maybe one day, or eventually, I can go into another genre.  Tulis skrip cerita drama Melayu ke...  But I think even WWM has a lot of visions in them.  

Okaylah.  Revisiting WWM Book 5 Chapter 1.  Kalau tak boleh progress, terus masuk Chapter 2.  

Kbai.

Tuesday, 8 December 2020

07122020 - 10 Years Anniversary

Watikah hari ini adalah...

I just realised, I have this blog since 2010.  I will need to look back lah once in a while. All the way from the beginning.  It was hilarious back then.  Photos and all.  

Bebudak pun semua dah besar.  Dah takde cerita kelakar dengan diorang.  Diorang je bully Mak diorang. Although recently I told them, I don't feel my age.  Seriously, I feel 23.  Okay, takpe bagi chance kat engkorang gelak nak matey...  Silakan.  

Orang cakap kat Abang Long.  Nanti you tell your friends, I beranakkan you when I was 5.  

Kejap tak dia dah 17?  Abang Long is 17, Abang Ngah is 15 and Cik Adik is 12.  Ye, kejap je masa berjalan.  Just when you're tired when the kids are young, laju je masa berjalan bila diorang go into teenage years.  Yang penting, Mak is 23 okay?  Jangan lupa... 

Dah, takpe, bagi chance kat korang teruskan gelak nak matey...  

Kbai

Sunday, 6 December 2020

061220 - Another Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today feels like a Sunday.

Woke up late, because I couldn't sleep.  Menahan mata nak ejas something.  Entah mengapa, jangan tanya.  And I am thinking that maybe I can fall asleep again kejap lagi.  Just because I don't do well dengan tidur petang. 

I'm feeling tired now.  But waiting for an online award show, due in one hour's time.  Listening to my artist of choice and contemplating to sleep now.  Pada hal, elok je kalau tidur lagi awal tadi.  But no, it isn't lah kan. Macam-macam. Decision making kelaut.

Decidedly, I'm taking time-off from my books.  I think I need it.  Seven books has taken it's toll. I've written 3 (1 partially published, 2 unpublished) and 1 lagi is just 3 chapters away from completion -- the one ada 4 chapters of rubbish in it.  No mood nak follow through. 

Ni pun ada jugak tengah fikir nak release ke tak yang WWM - Book 1 sampai habis ke tidak.  What will happen pun if I release all out?  Kemungkinan history tak sync?  Entah.  I don't know about the hesitation. 

This project of 4 books ni, tidak diplan.  It just transcended as I needed to release my thoughts.  It became almost 80 chapters in one book ha ha ha ha.  Melampau kan?  So I had to split it. Automatically Book 2 happened, then Book 3, then suddenly got Book 4 pulak.  Just dreaming away.  Mana tau, it could go into Book 5 selepas ada mood balik nak menulis.  

I don't plan my stories.  Just write what I want to walaupun in hesitation sebelum I started about the genre.  But then again, each thing I write, is my own healing process.  INTJ pun kata, tulis je apa nak tulis, tak payah fikir lebih-lebih. 

All I know is that, if while writing suddenly I feel like breaking down, then something must happen to the characters -- like how can one conversation jadi gaduh bertekak nak mati ni?  Then if suddenly I feel berdebar, it will like, "Oh, are they finally going to berbaik -- but what kind of berbaik?  Or something else will happen?"  

I just write with the flow.  So far I haven't really made major content changes with WWM Series.  I learnt to just go je, walaupun rasa cam, merepek ke apa aku tulis ni?  I mean, an idea is an idea.  Ada masa rasa cam, hampeh je chapter tu -- but I still go on.  Leave that and just go move on to a new chapter.  Then when sendu, I go back and try to complete them semula for better flow with the content that I've written in before.  So I don't hold myself back.

Writing has helped me to let go a lot of things.  I may be more in solitude.  But in solitude, I don't have to think about other things.  I don't over worry about things I shouldn't camtu lah.  I get to be alone dalam kepala.  At least I'm not lonely anymore.

Jujur, kan aku ni?  Hahaha. Terbodo pulak rasa entah apa aku cerita ni.  Maybe I'm defrosting my mind. I don't know.  Lagi pun mungkin bulan ni I busy dengan award shows jugak kot hahaha.  I need distractions.  Human interaction pun takde kan?  So observe orang online je la.  Observation kena pun biasanya buat dendiam kan -- dah namanya pun observation...

Maybe juga in time, I can get out of the genre and write like my INTJ friend.  Her story is so interesting with Mafia background.  And each time we need to write something, we research and that puts us into a good kind of distraction walaupun orang lain tengok cam "WTH..." laidat.  

That now I'm thinking, why lah all my stories so fluffy?  But fluffy stories are feel good stories kan.  Entahlah.  Ni namanya self-convincing tak bertempat kah kah kah kah.

Even me writing here, maybe can help me find my funny again.  Maybe I've completely lost it, I don't know.  Funny morbid je la between orang yang ada.  

Okaylah. Award show dah mula. 

Kbai.

Saturday, 5 December 2020

05122020 - Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Nothing special. 

Selepas lebih 2 bulan, sampai jugak balik ke sini.  Layout Blogger ni pun dah lain.  Jangan aku sesat jap lagi sudah.

So, apa sudah jadi? 

- I don't follow the news. So I dono.

Apa lagi ya...

- I don't respond to messages.
- I still don't follow through FB, IG
- I masih menulis my books

I surprise myself lah. Dari mula from beginning of September, I have 7 books (3 published, 4 unpublished) on Wattpad. My writer name also different. 

- I rebranded myself to a different name
- I leave the names on FB and IG the same
- I created another account for myself in other platforms

Orang pun tak kenal kut dah kut if I go out of the house. It took a while for me to get here, without intention. 

But the writing has helped me to purge my brains out. Takde dah circling thought yang consistent. I translate them into writing stories instead.  Walaupun genre dia mungkin orang lain tak boleh layan, tapi my concept now, even though still concern orang judge me, but as a friend tells me -- "Pi mampos lah.  They are your stories." 

I really appreciate genuine friends.  Boleh kira dengan jari.  Cukuplah.  Takde nak pening kepala jaga hati orang. 

My journey to sanity...  I'm still working through it.  It's still a trying process.  Tu sebab I take myself out social media.  I takde rasa compelled to want something, or judge about something.  Just concentrate to validate diri sendiri yang masih berputar-putar kepalanya, just not as bad as last time.

- Insomnia masih ada, tapi tak kerap macam dulu. It used to be 4-5AM kadang baru boleh lelap.

- Crying?  Has been easier. At least tau hati tak seketung dulu.

- Depression?  Better, but everyone needs an off day to just let themselves be in despair.  

For my INTJ friend and I, we call it our 'DAY OFF'.  The day we just let ourselves be down or cry or just rant -- just being down with what ever the hell is going on in our lives.  We acknowledge it as a healthy process. One or two days off will be good for the whole month dari you stay consistently low throughout the days.  Itu memenatkan, kan?

- Coffee?  Always.

I found a life hack from BTS in the SOOP.  Now I drink Essenso's Microground Americano.  Take a bottle of water and mix it in.  Goncang-goncangkan botol tu dah dapat Iced Americano.  One box has 20 sachets, harga RM10 (about that), dari my previous cravings:

- Mekdi, Costa, Cofea Coffee = RM8.00>/drink
- Essenso Sachet (20 sachet) = RM10.00>/10 drinks
= 4 boxes/month = RM40.00> vs RM.......

So apa lagi yang I can story?

Sebelum ni I never also think so much pasal benda-benda untuk diri sendiri.  But I have begun to buy things for myself.  

- Scented candles.
- I got myself BT21 RJ

Barang dari China pun China lah.  It makes me happy kan?  Dah aku ni pun tak berkomunikasi dengan orang.  Orang pun tak tau aku suka apa.  Ha ha ha.

Baru ni terfikir.  My INTJ likes reading.  I like writing.  I write but I don't read.  Kelakar tak?  Mana nak ada expansion diri camni?  I just like reading my own stories, and her story.  Selective reading sangat Mak ni...  So terrible.  Sama macam dengan I punya playlist.  Orang tanya takde ke lagu baru?  I listen to what I want to listen to.  

I don't even listen to the radio.  Radio only when with selective kids sebab dia tak suka my playlist.  So, okaylah nemind, I meet you in the middle.  Yang lain terpaksa redha.  You believe me or not?  Dowan to believe, I let you lah.  TV pun tak tengok.  

Sekiranya, ada yang masih rajin nak membaca perkara ini...  Dan mahu mengetahui lebih lanjut, about my books, you can PM lah.  Kalau tak nak, I oso don't mind.  It's about what you want, not what I want you to do.

And so it rains again.  Candle is on in the patio.  Me and my coffee table. 

Mood menulis has been off pun.  I've written 4 chapters of rubbish semalam since it was my DAY OFF.  It was a bad one -- 1 day/2 nights.  Menulis ni pun to thaw myself off dari emo mode and it seems to be working.  I've also let go of the previous playlist that I was listening too. 

Lagu tu is in a different language.  But I feel, so it caught me bad, and even more bila I realise that the lyrics are as how I felt it.  It pulled me down.  Then now... I'm recovering lah kot.

I pun dah takde cerita kelakar nak cerita sebab benda yang kelakar to me is irrelevant to you all kot.  The jokes that I have in my head.  Otak tak center, camnilah...  Lagi seronok mereng sendirian dari dengar cerita pasal orang lain. 

Life's nicer when you live it simpler. 

Kbai.


Friday, 2 October 2020

Rant. 2 Oct 2020.

Watikah hari ini adalah...

2 October 2020 ye hari ni. Dah masuk 2nd wave COVID19. 

Hari ni, Mak struggle macam biasa. Dengan insomnia, dengan kopi, dengan menulis. Self distraction yang ada jugak menjadi sesuatu hasil. Sempat tulis 2 buku syok sendiri, simpan sorang-sorang. Kalau ada yang tiber nak baca tu, boleh PM tepi. Bukan apa pun. Fanfiction je. Betul la hasil syok sendiri. Kan. Mak tak tipu.

Mungkin sebab I'm at the peak of exhaustion, nak layan orang pun malas. Especially yang needy ones. I just, cannot. 

I will give you attention when I want to. You don't need to come asking it from me la, repetitively macam, perlu sangat ke perhatian sampai tak boleh nak memberikan perhatian terhadap diri sendiri? Awak tu belajarlah penuhkan hati sendiri. Semorang pun struggle gak. Ko ingat aku duduk dendiam tu tak struggle ke? Aku sampai withdrawal, tapi tak sibuk pulak nak ganggu orang.

Tapi ni la. Sebenarnya, I'm triggered pagi ni. Memang senang triggered la rasanya sekarang ni. Ada la dalam 2-3 triggered yang tornado. 

Sebelum aku bukak mulut ni, ko maafkan je la aku ni sebab I am seriously exhausted. 

Trouble sleeping, insomnia... Ko ada laki ke, takde laki ke, ko tido sorang ke, ada roommate ke, tetap namanya insomnia kalau tak boleh tido. Is it treatable? Is state of mind? Is it emotional? Is it... Sila fill in the blank sendiri.

How my life is, it's not the same with yours. Yours is not the same with your next door neighbour. Your next door neighbour's life is not the same like long lost cousin Brad Pitt or Park Seo Joon, mahupun Shukri Yahaya. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

So, understand lah yang semua orang ada social distancing diri diorang sendiri. Semua ada emotional barrier sendiri yang tak sama. Bukan semua rasa group video calls tu seronok. Bukan semua rasa updates kat social media tu perlu. Then lagi satu, kau yang kaki lurker tu, reti pulak nak sembang belakang rasa kurang berkenan dengan posting orang. 

Biarlah. Kau ke sumber kebahagiaan dia? Confirm bukan kau yang bagi dia duit makan, belanja beli gula-gula mentara isikan minyak keta dia kat Caltex kan? Agak-agaklah...

Oleh sebab itu pembabitan diri dalam FB adalah... bila ada orang tag je. Atau bila nak tengok feed of my K-Pop bands je. Even if I post, it's either a random one or for my own personal self-reminder walaupun itu adalah K-Pop yang orang lain tak suka. IG pulak, sebab I'm not visual. So I post photos and go. That's it.

Memula tadi ingat trigger pagi ni... Well, in the end selepas aku terlelap lawan mata dan sakit kepala, otak pun dah mula rational balik.

I'm just saying... People won't understand your actions, tapi setiap action mesti bersebab. 

...because I just want to.
...because I want to find out what happens.
...because I am angry/sad/happy.

And some people don't feel it's wrong to be that way, sebab diorang tak nampak/tak perasan/tak sedar diorang macam tu. 

I used to WANT to make people understand. Tapi sekarang macam... dia tak sampai la lagi sampai level 'pi mampos', cuma... takpelah, I'll let you discover for yourself - so at least you'll be distracted enough and not kacau my personal space. 

The only issue that comes up from this is, the distancing is bothering you. So you create things supaya orang responsive to you, using control - which of course, personally, bothers me. Instead of opening the space, my reaction is, "Okay, never mind. I'll just let you play out your emotions over there," and I close the door until you finish, or not. It doesn't matter.

And now, "Mak, kenapa kau suka KPop sekarang?" Dengan muka blank, aku nak je tanya dia balik, "Kenapa kau suka small talk dengan aku? Sebab kau takde life ke?"

Kenapa kau senyap sekarang?
Sebab aku sedang berkawan dengan diri sendiri. 
Aku tengah mencari impian.
I am exhausted.
I am sad, happy, depressed, withdrawing, lost, happy, pushing myself up, writing, creating, crying, jumping.

Does it matter? If I do matter, then someone would actually to dare ask me. Tapi bukan sebab benda ni sensasi. Bukan sebab, macam terpaksa buat je. 

Kalau kau buat benda ikhlas, hasilnya sebaik boleh jadi ikhlas. Cuma ya dengan tidak je rezeki kau benda tu menjadi sekarang atau kemudian. Sama dengan orang berniat sesuatu dengan kau, tapi kau pun senyap sebab kau free masa dia sibuk, dan dia free masa kau pun free tapi dia tak call kau. 

Takpe. Hidup orang lain-lain. 

For now, I need human connections. Yang ikhlas, jujur dan tak serabut. I have literally separated my life like oil and water. 


So you choose. Literally, I'm asking you to choose, if you want to be in my water, or be the oil? 
Then be sincere.
Be kind.
Be genuine.
Be jujur. 

I don't expect also for you to have this mindset. But at least, mungkin dapat bukakan mata you untuk nampak this perspective. Just because relationship, human contact, is not yours with mine. It's yours with the whole world.

Okay, tu je. Sebab Mak kena ambik Abang Long balik sekolah.

Kbai.









 

26122020

Watikah hari ini adalah... I have been on a spiritual journey.  Dah tak menulis dah.  Instead, I have been watching YouTubes je so far this ...