Friday, 2 October 2020

Rant. 2 Oct 2020.

Watikah hari ini adalah...

2 October 2020 ye hari ni. Dah masuk 2nd wave COVID19. 

Hari ni, Mak struggle macam biasa. Dengan insomnia, dengan kopi, dengan menulis. Self distraction yang ada jugak menjadi sesuatu hasil. Sempat tulis 2 buku syok sendiri, simpan sorang-sorang. Kalau ada yang tiber nak baca tu, boleh PM tepi. Bukan apa pun. Fanfiction je. Betul la hasil syok sendiri. Kan. Mak tak tipu.

Mungkin sebab I'm at the peak of exhaustion, nak layan orang pun malas. Especially yang needy ones. I just, cannot. 

I will give you attention when I want to. You don't need to come asking it from me la, repetitively macam, perlu sangat ke perhatian sampai tak boleh nak memberikan perhatian terhadap diri sendiri? Awak tu belajarlah penuhkan hati sendiri. Semorang pun struggle gak. Ko ingat aku duduk dendiam tu tak struggle ke? Aku sampai withdrawal, tapi tak sibuk pulak nak ganggu orang.

Tapi ni la. Sebenarnya, I'm triggered pagi ni. Memang senang triggered la rasanya sekarang ni. Ada la dalam 2-3 triggered yang tornado. 

Sebelum aku bukak mulut ni, ko maafkan je la aku ni sebab I am seriously exhausted. 

Trouble sleeping, insomnia... Ko ada laki ke, takde laki ke, ko tido sorang ke, ada roommate ke, tetap namanya insomnia kalau tak boleh tido. Is it treatable? Is state of mind? Is it emotional? Is it... Sila fill in the blank sendiri.

How my life is, it's not the same with yours. Yours is not the same with your next door neighbour. Your next door neighbour's life is not the same like long lost cousin Brad Pitt or Park Seo Joon, mahupun Shukri Yahaya. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

So, understand lah yang semua orang ada social distancing diri diorang sendiri. Semua ada emotional barrier sendiri yang tak sama. Bukan semua rasa group video calls tu seronok. Bukan semua rasa updates kat social media tu perlu. Then lagi satu, kau yang kaki lurker tu, reti pulak nak sembang belakang rasa kurang berkenan dengan posting orang. 

Biarlah. Kau ke sumber kebahagiaan dia? Confirm bukan kau yang bagi dia duit makan, belanja beli gula-gula mentara isikan minyak keta dia kat Caltex kan? Agak-agaklah...

Oleh sebab itu pembabitan diri dalam FB adalah... bila ada orang tag je. Atau bila nak tengok feed of my K-Pop bands je. Even if I post, it's either a random one or for my own personal self-reminder walaupun itu adalah K-Pop yang orang lain tak suka. IG pulak, sebab I'm not visual. So I post photos and go. That's it.

Memula tadi ingat trigger pagi ni... Well, in the end selepas aku terlelap lawan mata dan sakit kepala, otak pun dah mula rational balik.

I'm just saying... People won't understand your actions, tapi setiap action mesti bersebab. 

...because I just want to.
...because I want to find out what happens.
...because I am angry/sad/happy.

And some people don't feel it's wrong to be that way, sebab diorang tak nampak/tak perasan/tak sedar diorang macam tu. 

I used to WANT to make people understand. Tapi sekarang macam... dia tak sampai la lagi sampai level 'pi mampos', cuma... takpelah, I'll let you discover for yourself - so at least you'll be distracted enough and not kacau my personal space. 

The only issue that comes up from this is, the distancing is bothering you. So you create things supaya orang responsive to you, using control - which of course, personally, bothers me. Instead of opening the space, my reaction is, "Okay, never mind. I'll just let you play out your emotions over there," and I close the door until you finish, or not. It doesn't matter.

And now, "Mak, kenapa kau suka KPop sekarang?" Dengan muka blank, aku nak je tanya dia balik, "Kenapa kau suka small talk dengan aku? Sebab kau takde life ke?"

Kenapa kau senyap sekarang?
Sebab aku sedang berkawan dengan diri sendiri. 
Aku tengah mencari impian.
I am exhausted.
I am sad, happy, depressed, withdrawing, lost, happy, pushing myself up, writing, creating, crying, jumping.

Does it matter? If I do matter, then someone would actually to dare ask me. Tapi bukan sebab benda ni sensasi. Bukan sebab, macam terpaksa buat je. 

Kalau kau buat benda ikhlas, hasilnya sebaik boleh jadi ikhlas. Cuma ya dengan tidak je rezeki kau benda tu menjadi sekarang atau kemudian. Sama dengan orang berniat sesuatu dengan kau, tapi kau pun senyap sebab kau free masa dia sibuk, dan dia free masa kau pun free tapi dia tak call kau. 

Takpe. Hidup orang lain-lain. 

For now, I need human connections. Yang ikhlas, jujur dan tak serabut. I have literally separated my life like oil and water. 

So you choose. Literally, I'm asking you to choose, if you want to be in my water, or be the oil? 
Then be sincere.
Be kind.
Be genuine.
Be jujur. 

I don't expect also for you to have this mindset. But at least, mungkin dapat bukakan mata you untuk nampak this perspective. Just because relationship, human contact, is not yours with mine. It's yours with the whole world.

Okay, tu je. Sebab Mak kena ambik Abang Long balik sekolah.



Friday, 17 April 2020

Crash Landing on You

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Hari ni would be like literally Day 30 of MCO. Kan? Sebab it went into effect on 18 March 2020. Today is 17 April 2020.

Sitting in the office to settle some documents. But I'm so sleepy. Dok layan Crash Landing on You (CLOY) malam tadi. In fact, dah berapa malam ni.

Memula I was like, okay so sweet to watch. I didn't have that crazy melipat gantung anxiety just to keep watching into the next episodes. Ada hari, nak mula pun lazy. But I pushed through. And when I watched the ending, I was like, oh, it's an okay ending but I didn't quite like it. Tak tau kenapa. Macam, I wanted more affirmation or something. Entah.

But the moment I switched off the tv, I began crying in the dark. Laaagi tak tau kenapa. Just tears rolling down my face. Main game phone pun, tolak-tolak buah dengan buah tak nak bergerak sebab screen tak boleh sense jari basah lap air mata.

Dah la kena nangis senyap-senyap. Kalau tak kang laki marah apa pasai tak tidoq lagi... dah tengah malam ke pagi ni...

This morning, I'm watching behind the scenes. Sejam gak duduk dalam kereta bila sampai ofis dalam tak sedar. Sambil tu siap order Korean food on Foodpanda.

Entahlah apa pulak this thing that's slowly turning into an apparent obsession. Because I'm Googling Hyun Bin and Son Ye Jin and news saying Hyun Bin is suing anyone saying he's dating Son Ye Jin and they are planning to marry after the filming of CLOY.


I think, the whole story entirely has given me this impact on human nature. This feeling of being protected, being taken care of, being saved without knowing... adalah sangat menusuk. But at the same time, if take another look at it, it can be like this character on My Coffee Prince, Hadi (Malaysian Version) yang so hung up dengan Ira. But both views are interesting to me.

Character Hadi is sitting.

The 20s feeling of protection is different at 40s. CLOY's love is late 20s/early 30s. And in the hindsight, what have I done for the last 40 years? If life hasn't been fulfilling, then how short has 40 years been?

But I think the story is a successful one. Because it brought you out of your own environment, into theirs. Take what's on your mind, to focus on them. Even if you didn't feel, then it leaves you with it later.

All in the end, everybody wants to feel loved, protected and cared for. In their case, they get to live it in the Swiss Alps.

Tuesday, 24 March 2020


Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today in the office again. Nak menaip dalam status, malas nak bukak. Aku dah on mode DND. No calls or messages will be notified to me selagi aku tak tengok phone. Only the people I star in contact list je boleh tembus call through. 

Seperti biasa messages concerning COVID-19, the speculations, the advises, the living conditions bersebaran in messaging apps dari pagi non-stop. Korang stress tak? Aku stress. Dah berapa minggu ni. La ni ada pulak yang tengah rajin update the spread in Europe. Entahlah.

In all hardships, kita kena keep calm dulu. Mana nak tau arah mana nak tuju? Then the dust will settle - the containment. Bila dust dah settle, baru we work around the particles untuk tengok apa yang harus kita buat untuk move forward. 

Kita bantu untuk memudahkan keadaan. Membantu ke bila anak tarik kain kita, nak masuk kain, tumpah kan air, nak talipon Atok bagitau abang dia buat dia pada time kita tengah potong-potong bawang nak siap bahan untuk masak? Itu belum bahan masuk kuali. Kita nak kena masak, hidang, makan, berhenti sekejap dan kemas. Kan ada banyak step tu.

So I see a lot of effort untuk memberikan bantuan for masyarakat Malaysia. 

Dalam kita take for granted sebab aku sendiri tak perasan tentang income bikos I'm still working with a big company yang mana ia bermaksud tiada perubahan income berlaku... ramai income yang terjejas. Keja pomen kereta, potong rumput, tukan kebun, keja restoran...

How can we help at this time?

~ Ada je links yang offer to collect donation dan distribute. Yang caught my eye ada satu ni to provide susu, diaper untuk anak-anak.

~ Pergi hospitals and tanya kalau ada apa keperluan mereka. If they need food, water, or something-something?

~ Bantu provide care packages buat students stranded dalam hostels. Ada yang tak makan tentu apa, sanitary napkins, paracetamols ke apa. 

Bantu untuk mempermudahkan je. Kita tak keluar rumah, dok dendiam pun dah bantu mempermudahkan masyarakat. 

I'm not right all the time. You are too. We find middle ground. Keep calm and just tolerate each other. Cuma bila dah melampau tu la kena cakap. Bila kena cakap, well, nobody's happy. I wasn't happy also when people say insensitive certain things to me. 

What I'm saying is, we work along the line to keep progress going. You don't la start pulling the bricks out of the building sebab satu negara perlu tau apa sebenarnya yang berlaku supaya mereka lebih tahu. Sebab awak sorang buat, orang lain panic, dia pun tolong tarik keluar batu bata. Dibawanya segala martul, excavator sekali jalan. Retak, runtuh progress pembinaan tu. Satu benda tak jadi apa. 

Tetapi kalau kita bantu bancuh simen untuk pomen apa yang retak, bawak penyapu sapu, akan ada orang lain nampak dan menambahbaikkan lagi keadaan bangunan tu. Orang akan dapat selesaikan faster sesuatu itu sebaik mungkin. 

In short, nak tolong, biar tolong elok-elok. 

So, so many penduduk are without salaries. Minimum wage people, hospitals, miskin bandar, stranded students... If you want to help them, help them (until it makes you so happy your it cracks a smiley in your heart). No obligation pun. Yang penting, apa yang kau berikan itu adalah ikhlas.

Aunty pun hanya boleh menulis.
Hanya boleh bawak sebanyak mana hati boleh bawak.
Because my heart cracks too. 
But who cares anyway?
We are all human.

Monday, 23 March 2020


Watikah hari ini adalah...

For some reason aku rasa hiba sangat. Hiba dengan segala emosi yang aku telah menarik masuk secara sengaja ataupun tidak sengaja untuk duduk dalam relung aura aku ni. Sesak. Ya, sesak. Aku sesak dengan energon orang lain walaupun tidak ada pertemuan face to face pun.

So far dalam tempoh 2 minggu ni, aku dah rasa macam:

1. Nak uninstall WA.

2. Then rasa cam nak uninstall FB pulak. IG takde sangat sebab aku memang tak bukak pun sangat. 2-3 minggu sekali. Eiii jangan kecam sis, berdosa.

3. Nak tutup je semua, pakai phone butang tapi kang takleh main game.

Perkara-perkara yang aku dah ada ulang a few times before tetapi entah kepada siapa tak ingat. 

Ni jujurlah. 

I'm sorry, I kenot. I refuse to handle your emotions and so close to blocking you on WA. 

I am sufficient to myself. But you need to fulfill that for yourself, by yourself. No one will ever be able to fill it for you. And I just can't take your over-spilling all across so many groups we share to be in. 

Alas, this is my most rational decision. I am hereby door-slamming you, with no regret.

Until the right time arrives.

Thursday, 19 March 2020


Watikah hari ini adalah...

I'm so sick of the reception at the office. I thought mungkin sebab dah takde orang, mesti reception elok. Tapi tak. So sekarang ni aku off terus phone. Ei. Sakit hati betul tau!

Ya, hari ni lockdown. Aku adalah masih ke ofis sebab nak settlekan sebarang dua untuk orang. Aku juga nak mengambil peluang settlekan bills yang ada, and push them to someone else while I'm here. This is so I don't have to bring back files and files home. Untuk perkara itu saja nanti aku kena bawak balik 6 files dan mungkin ada trouble with some docs that I had probably just scanned, tapi tak sempat print = incomplete. 

Was still at home at 9 something tadi. So I asked dalam group geng makcik bawang kitorang (support staffs), siapa yang kerja hari ni. Food is a problem kan. Semalam I bought breakfast set and a burger for lunch. But one staff was hungry without food. I shared la one of the burgers. Tengahari order Foodpanda. 

Jadi pagi ni ingatkan boleh tapaukan sekali apa-apa kalau diperlukan. Semua pun membisu. Okaylah. Kecik hati telan sendiri, padahal orang tengah masuk bilik air atau sidai baju kat luar, mungkin. 

Kita pun kongsi la kata, ingatkan tadi nak tolong tapaukan Mekdi. Sekali mereka tidak sekali-kali dah membisu. 


Acik pulak yang membisu.

"Habis tu mana lagi ada drive-through? KFC ke? Tu je kan kot yang bukak ke, kita tak tau."

Ya, tak tau.  Jadi I thought, eh Petronas oso got sell breakfast whaaat... Nak mee goreng lah. 

Takde mee goreng nya. Yang ada, hot dog pelik. Ada ke pepperoni susun atas hotdog tu? Entah, tak paham aku. Aku beli 2 sandwiches (breakfast and lunch), 2 cups of hot coffee (breakfast and lunch), seketul jajan dan aku lupa pulak nak beli chocolate. Chalow. 

On the way tu, reception phone masih bagus. Diorang dah mula dari rumah sebab memasing ada laptop sendiri. Sistem Anydesk is working for them. Okaylah. Bagus. I'm just waiting for my laptop pinjam ofis punya to be set up. So much work IT is doing on a short frame of time. Ramai yang still working in of service for others. Thank you u'olls!

Baiklah. I don't have anything else to say. Phone dah di ON kan semula. Reception still cam hanat tak boleh dimaafkan tapi what choice have I got.

Be safe, stay safe.

Monday, 16 March 2020

Aunty Flu

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Hari ni Aunty fefeeling pretty sebab orang tak nampak muka Aunty. It's hidden disebalik topeng. 

I needed it hari tu. Last week I was on MC for 2 days. Had flu and I was sneezing all the time, peeing in my pants every time I sneezed. Nasib baik Aunty ni pompuan, stock pad banyak. Ha ha ha. Tapi tu lah, lama aku fikir WTH aku simpan stock mask ni. Rupanya bila dah balik opis hari ni, baru jumpa.

So over the weekend, I still took precautionary. Aunty still had to go to the mall (ye netizen jangan kau kecam acik ni) because I had to make little children happy. Belikan prezen untuk birthday anak buah. AEON Mall pun ada sediakan sanitizer at each entrance and main help desk counters. Aunty pun pakai mask.

Okaylah Aunty dah malas nak tulis pulak dah. Momentum dah hilang.


Rant. 2 Oct 2020.

Watikah hari ini adalah... 2 October 2020 ye hari ni. Dah masuk 2nd wave COVID19.  Hari ni, Mak struggle macam biasa. Dengan insomnia, denga...