Tuesday, 31 December 2019

Leaving 2019

Watikah hari ini adalah...

2019

Although I have been through hard years before, this year - that I thought was okay, would actually be one of the hardest so far.

Funny kan, bila time tu kita lalu be like, damn bila nak habis cycle ni... Then when you get to another thing, you remember that previous year you go, yeah... but this year's a different kind of tough. Of course it was. Anything that changes you for the better or for the worse, is basically change. So you either conform or retaliate.

Camni la guys. Aku bila deep in thought, always in English. The thoughts in my head always go, "Eh?" "Eh! "Eeeeh..." "Eh eh..." What I really say, krik krik krik... or it would be so offensive that it came out that way. It's a struggle nak cari jalan tengah sebab diplomacy is not my best trait. That one I can leave it out for my other siblings. This one is a live current one. Sekali terkaran semorang. 

I've behaved badly in some places, I've given, I've held back, I've yelled, I've been yelled back at. I've made people happy, I've also angered them and made them sad. Gone over the line, crossed boundaries, built new fences, ignored stop signs, gone through typhoons like nothing is happening. But I've stayed under the clouds, hidden above feelings and below in between. Too long. 

People can't make you happy. You need your own journey for it. Built in default for INFJ, that is not easy. I'm still struggling to find my passion. Tapi confirm aku tau I love writing. Only many times I question myself the reason for it. Is it for personal selfishness, or the love for awareness.

Change. 

We will all just be thrown into it and will make out of it alive. Of course la for sure got broken one along the way, but you'll know better next time.

We all need to learn something every day.

And today I learnt how much I appreciate myself for being able to get through it. You struggled but you did what you could, Nadia. Boleh la, you did well for yourself.

Love. 




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