Saturday 5 December 2020

05122020 - Hello

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Nothing special. 

Selepas lebih 2 bulan, sampai jugak balik ke sini.  Layout Blogger ni pun dah lain.  Jangan aku sesat jap lagi sudah.

So, apa sudah jadi? 

- I don't follow the news. So I dono.

Apa lagi ya...

- I don't respond to messages.
- I still don't follow through FB, IG
- I masih menulis my books

I surprise myself lah. Dari mula from beginning of September, I have 7 books (3 published, 4 unpublished) on Wattpad. My writer name also different. 

- I rebranded myself to a different name
- I leave the names on FB and IG the same
- I created another account for myself in other platforms

Orang pun tak kenal kut dah kut if I go out of the house. It took a while for me to get here, without intention. 

But the writing has helped me to purge my brains out. Takde dah circling thought yang consistent. I translate them into writing stories instead.  Walaupun genre dia mungkin orang lain tak boleh layan, tapi my concept now, even though still concern orang judge me, but as a friend tells me -- "Pi mampos lah.  They are your stories." 

I really appreciate genuine friends.  Boleh kira dengan jari.  Cukuplah.  Takde nak pening kepala jaga hati orang. 

My journey to sanity...  I'm still working through it.  It's still a trying process.  Tu sebab I take myself out social media.  I takde rasa compelled to want something, or judge about something.  Just concentrate to validate diri sendiri yang masih berputar-putar kepalanya, just not as bad as last time.

- Insomnia masih ada, tapi tak kerap macam dulu. It used to be 4-5AM kadang baru boleh lelap.

- Crying?  Has been easier. At least tau hati tak seketung dulu.

- Depression?  Better, but everyone needs an off day to just let themselves be in despair.  

For my INTJ friend and I, we call it our 'DAY OFF'.  The day we just let ourselves be down or cry or just rant -- just being down with what ever the hell is going on in our lives.  We acknowledge it as a healthy process. One or two days off will be good for the whole month dari you stay consistently low throughout the days.  Itu memenatkan, kan?

- Coffee?  Always.

I found a life hack from BTS in the SOOP.  Now I drink Essenso's Microground Americano.  Take a bottle of water and mix it in.  Goncang-goncangkan botol tu dah dapat Iced Americano.  One box has 20 sachets, harga RM10 (about that), dari my previous cravings:

- Mekdi, Costa, Cofea Coffee = RM8.00>/drink
- Essenso Sachet (20 sachet) = RM10.00>/10 drinks
= 4 boxes/month = RM40.00> vs RM.......

So apa lagi yang I can story?

Sebelum ni I never also think so much pasal benda-benda untuk diri sendiri.  But I have begun to buy things for myself.  

- Scented candles.
- I got myself BT21 RJ

Barang dari China pun China lah.  It makes me happy kan?  Dah aku ni pun tak berkomunikasi dengan orang.  Orang pun tak tau aku suka apa.  Ha ha ha.

Baru ni terfikir.  My INTJ likes reading.  I like writing.  I write but I don't read.  Kelakar tak?  Mana nak ada expansion diri camni?  I just like reading my own stories, and her story.  Selective reading sangat Mak ni...  So terrible.  Sama macam dengan I punya playlist.  Orang tanya takde ke lagu baru?  I listen to what I want to listen to.  

I don't even listen to the radio.  Radio only when with selective kids sebab dia tak suka my playlist.  So, okaylah nemind, I meet you in the middle.  Yang lain terpaksa redha.  You believe me or not?  Dowan to believe, I let you lah.  TV pun tak tengok.  

Sekiranya, ada yang masih rajin nak membaca perkara ini...  Dan mahu mengetahui lebih lanjut, about my books, you can PM lah.  Kalau tak nak, I oso don't mind.  It's about what you want, not what I want you to do.

And so it rains again.  Candle is on in the patio.  Me and my coffee table. 

Mood menulis has been off pun.  I've written 4 chapters of rubbish semalam since it was my DAY OFF.  It was a bad one -- 1 day/2 nights.  Menulis ni pun to thaw myself off dari emo mode and it seems to be working.  I've also let go of the previous playlist that I was listening too. 

Lagu tu is in a different language.  But I feel, so it caught me bad, and even more bila I realise that the lyrics are as how I felt it.  It pulled me down.  Then now... I'm recovering lah kot.

I pun dah takde cerita kelakar nak cerita sebab benda yang kelakar to me is irrelevant to you all kot.  The jokes that I have in my head.  Otak tak center, camnilah...  Lagi seronok mereng sendirian dari dengar cerita pasal orang lain. 

Life's nicer when you live it simpler. 

Kbai.


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