Mencari Hidayah

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Berhari-hari pulak rajin nak menulis ni. I think, agak baguslah tetiba ada momentum ni. Ada creativity kembali. Dah jumpa balik mentol. Kah kah kah. Mentol yang hilang. Hahaha.

As I begin to write again (cewah), I am reminded of a few people. Antara orang tu adalah Hidayah. Budaknya tinggi, mulus, mulut cam bertih, suara cam petir hahaha. At one point, I pernah shut this blog page for private viewing. Takde pun nak set untuk sesiapa baca - I didn't think anyone was reading pun. But she called me, mintak bagi access for her. 

"Eh why la you want? Some more I never update... Eh why larrr???"

"Eh. Eh eh... Why you eh me? As I like la... Be like sookahati I la nak buat apa I nak." 

Biadap betul si Hidayah ni. Oleh kerana itu, dia menjadi antara makhluk terpilih untuk masuk menggunakan password ~ "LAPORPO WATAKUNGSI, landing time". Password yang tak semorang akan dapat teka or remember how to spell. (Bikos only today oso I learnt it WATAKUNGSI, bukan PATAKUNGSI.) Tapi itulah, dia kan makhluk terpilih dah aku kata. 

Haha. Pandai pulak aku buat cerita, kan? Elok je dia bertanya. Dia kata dia suka baca especially pasal about my kids. It entertains her. Then tetiba dia pun muncul, tanya balik about this blog. 

Tersentuh hati Mak, Aunty, Grandmother, Fairy Godmother everything everything everything lah!

It made me feel laidis inside you know...

Be like, "Eh boleh la, kak. Please please, Dayah nak baca..."

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"OK".

(So much for my biyachi resting face LOL.)

Thank you Dayah.

Tapi kan Dayah... Setiap kali teringatkan kemulusan, ketinggian... Suara, intonasi, gelak kau yang so sangat senang berjangkit (eh what BM this?)... Always forever, I see your face first. And then I remember this face...

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Hi hi hi hi hi...

You don't angry-angry okay. This Dayah and that Dayah oso both sooooo funny people. If you angry-angry, people will laugh at you more because you are funny people. Eh.

I also have a lot of cleaning up to do. 

1. To relabel the tags on all posts of this blog.
2. To clear my work station.
3. To clear my almari and tudung laci.

Nak citer la. 

Disebabkan tudung aku makin banyak tanpa disengajakan, laki Mak terpaksa beli laci 4 tingkat. DIY pasang sendiri. Time beli tu si Bibik bercuti kat kampung. Tapi tu la kan, Bibik kami ni pun adalah insan terpilih. Sebab the day dia balik kerja kat sini, the drawer slides patah. It took about about 2 weeks to have 3 drawer slides patah. Ko jangan tanyalah apa dia buat sampai patah semua tu.

Itupun dah letak tepi dah tudung-tudung yang nak dijual semula. 

Nantilah. Bila mentol fairy lights ada timbul nak menyala, kita onzzz...

Kbai.

Kejadian Pagi Tadi

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Okay so tetiba hari ni ada urge nak menulis. Nak post on FB, kena tengok phone lama-lama. This one with keyboard is faster. Aci kan.

So Abang Long has to be in TUDM Shah Alam area this morning at 9.00AM for this training la. Cikgu tak boleh bawak dia sebab kereta penuh. "Dia ada baby seat dalam kereta tapi dia tak nak alihkan," Abang Long explained. Baiklah, Mak ambilmaklum. 

Kita pun arrangelah mintak tolong dengan Mak Long sebab ofis Mak Long dalam area situ. Kejamlah nak mintak tolong Nenek to get him there at that time. And Mak Long said okay. Cuma kena keluar awal la, perap jap Abang Long kat dalam ofis dia, baru Mak Long hantar dia ke tempat yang diperlukan.

But this was what happened:

1. Mak Long sampai. Diorang breakfast kat bawah tu. Mak bawak diri nak memerut. 

2. Mak pun mandi dan siap. Tetiba Abang Long call. 

"Mak dah pergi work ke?"
"Why?"
"Ala Mak ni, I nak angry dengan Mak la sebab Mak tak baca message I."
"Whut." 😐
"Bacalah message. I'm on my way back."
"Whuuuttt..." Kan budak tu dah pergi - why otw back?
"Baca la message I tu, Maaaak... Kbai..."

   

3. He forwarded me message dari cikgu that said basically venue tak confirm, to continue buat kat sekolah rendah terpilih (despite bebudak sekolah tu tengah periksa dan diorang nak avoidkan gangguan sebenarnya) pukul 9.30pagi ni instead.

Korang tau tak...

Mak Long dah drive sampai traffic light Seksyen 13. Patah balik. Tak ke patah hati kau dengar? Dah patah balik rumah, dia kena patah balik gi ofis. 

Aku confirm patah hati. Sebab patah-patah balik. Menyusahkan orang. Menyusahkan kita fikir mana bila how to get the PARTICIPANT (anak aku le tu) to comply with the event preparation. Transport kena arrange sendiri. Duit belanja kena bagi jumlah lain sebab makan luar. Nanti balik lain pulak halnya kan.

Cikgu ni pun tak fikirkan convenience orang lain. Ingat semua Mak Bapak bagi ke, mampu ke, setuju ke nak bagi anak-anak naik Grab? Peak hour tu kot. Ada mungkin RM20 kata Mak Long tadi kalau di Grabkan Abang Long tu. Kalau dah kena patah balik?

Nasib baiklah hari ni sakit perut aku menahi lambat turun. Mentara Abang Long dengan Mak Long sampai, aku dah ready nak bawak Abang Long to the sekolah rendah terpilih itu. Nasib baik jugak tahun ni ofis aku dah apply flexi hour kalau tak berjebar la reason mengapa aku masuk lambat hari ni. 

In the car, aku dah:

- "Eh you tell your teacher, 'Mak not angry okay teacher. She asked me to tell you DIA MURKA sebab cikgu dah menyusahkan semua orang until my Mak Long lambat masuk ofis bikos she had to patah balik DEKAT TRAFFIC LIGHT SEKSYEN 13 (u'olls - eh)'".

Sedang nak gostan kereta, sekali si Bibik pulak keluar. Nampak dia bawak dompet. Aku tunggu dalam kereta, terus dia masuk. Takde pun dia tanya aku nak ke mana ke, beritahu dia nak ke mana ke. Kalau aku nak Kuala Kangsar cemana? Nak bawak gi jual dia ke? Hahaha. 

"Awak nak gi mana ni?"

"Saya nak ke kedeeeiiii... Mau beli obat. Ssssaaakkiiit sangggaaaatttt."

Ha ye lah. Yang tau, kau dah masuk dalam kereta kan? Kah kah kah. Dan perut aku dah berkeroncong. Kah kah kah. Aku kan ada gastric. Mana boleh perut kosong lama-lama. Dah la terlupa makan ubat harian diatas kekusutan ini. 

Mana satu aku nak buat ni dulu ni ya. So I made a plan:

"Mak turunkan Abang Long kat gerai Makcik Iza, belikan Mak Nasi Lemak. Takde drumstick, beli paru. Nah duit. Nanti Mak datang balik."

Drop.

"Bibik nak gi kedai mana? Saya tunggu."

Drop. Tunggu.

Mentara datang balik kat gerai tu, muka Abang Long dah bengkak - "Lamanya I tunggu..." 

Oh. Lama eh. Lama jugak nak tunggu Abang Long masak dalam perut Mak. 9 bulan tau. Banyak la lama.

Naik balik nak drop Bibik, sekali dengan Abang Long Abang Long sekali turun. Dah kenapa? Aku salah faham ke... Salah informasi ke... Salah dididik ke...

"I tertinggal barang"

Tak ke nasib baik tu. Nasib baik aku tunggu Bibik kau tu ye. Kalau tak patah balik rumah, takde la teringat ke, terus dapat nak ambik barang tertinggal tu, KE TAK? KE TAAAAKKKK??

So I got him to the sekolah rendah. And got myself to work.

Dan masih belum makan pun nasi lemak tersebut, yang mana aku haruslah... Baitan emosi menggamit perasaan yang sampai aaah nasi lemak ke, Quaker oat ke, pizza ke... aku kena gak melempiaskan it somewhere. 

Okay dah. Bye.

Kabinet Baru

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Petang tadi PM Malaysia ke-8, Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, dah officially announcekan new line up of cabinet for the parliament. Dan hari ni dah mula nampak the summary of jawatan and their faces.

Tahniah semua. 

I'm excited KJ Daddy Cool is back. And Mufti dilantik sebagai Menteri Hal-Ehwal Agama - the best person for the job.

Semoga dapat menjalankan tugas-tugas anda dengan terbaik. It's not about money - because we are still trying to get out of debt yang sangat banyak pun kan. People are just wanting leaders who can do the job well. And also the people have shown what they could do with their votes juga kan.

Okay, now let's all get to work!

9 March 2020 - Fokus Balik Kepada Hati

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Welkam 2020. 

Pelbagai jenis emosi berbait, berbolak-balik dalam tempoh berapa bulan ni di tanah airku Malaysia kan? Mestilah cara penyelesaian masalah pun dalam cara grade tertinggi jugak. How thrilling the mind works. Macam mana pun aku sangat bersyukur kita masih ada perpaduan yang baik dan tak menggunakan sebarang kekerasan pun, unlike some other countries going through political changes.

Now I write more on FB. Dari status nak up biasa, dah terjadi macam blog posting. Enjoyable sebab it's more direct. I hoped that this blog could possibly be up again but it's like, died and no other way to revive it selain dari tulis review so that it could pop up when people search for something. 

Sayang tau. Dah sepuluh tahun kot benda ni running. Cik Adik dulu umur 2 tahun, sekarang dah UPSR. 10 years oredi now.

At this point, aku takde citer la. Nothing specific cuma cam, nak merekodkan pada masa ini, Malaysia is having the 2nd wave of Covid-19 (Corona Virus). The first wave was end of January/early February 2020. So far no fatality. 

Patient #26 is a father to Abang Long's classmate. We were all so surprised and sadden when his mom broke it out to the class WhatsApp group. It's good that I don't see the conversation in the group be flooded and shared elsewhere - not even into the school's all form levels. 

We respect that it is a hard time for them, for him. 

We felt the need to protect the information. Not to raise panic. Keep everyone calm. No one rushing for shots or tests. Only the need to be quiet. And hope that the family does well.

So last Friday, she informed the class that the family is clear from their 2-week quarantine. They are no longer suspects but will continue to quarantine themselves for another week or 2 for the benefit of the public. Sebulanlah nanti anak yang SPM bound will be out of school.

However, Patient #26 is still being treated. No news yet of his progress. I just hope everything will be well. It is a trying time for him, his family, his environment and the whole nation. And a fraction has been quite mean about it. But they forget that some things, you never had full control off from the start. Just, move forward.

Adakah blog ini tetiba menjadi my hidden thoughts and feelings pocket? I think it probably just did. I mean, I put all my nonsense out in FB. 

Aku harap kalau korang baca ni, setakat baca je lah. Tak payah nak forward forward. 

Aku menulis ni pun sekadar meluahkan rasa. I don't know if I can think or handle if I terbabit dalam situasi sama. Having to handle perasaan risau diri sendiri terhadap suami, anak-anak, sekolah, neighbours, family, extended families, friends, friends of friends, business people. Ni kan pulak masyarakat ramai dah bersuarakan pendapat.

Okaylah. Kabinet baru pun dah tersusun kot by now. Malam ni, sampai esok hangat cerita lain pulak kan? So kita jadi apa? Kita just make our environment work. Tu je. At least, that is for me. 

Akhir kata, aku mendoakan Patient #26 sembuh. Kedengaran pada saat aku menulis ni, keadaannya, sedang tidak meyakinkan. Semoga dia diberikan kekuatan tubuh badan, dan diberikan kekuatan diri untuk keluarganya selangsung-langsungnya.  

Semoga semua dipermudahkan.

Leaving 2019

Watikah hari ini adalah...

2019

Although I have been through hard years before, this year - that I thought was okay, would actually be one of the hardest so far.

Funny kan, bila time tu kita lalu be like, damn bila nak habis cycle ni... Then when you get to another thing, you remember that previous year you go, yeah... but this year's a different kind of tough. Of course it was. Anything that changes you for the better or for the worse, is basically change. So you either conform or retaliate.

Camni la guys. Aku bila deep in thought, always in English. The thoughts in my head always go, "Eh?" "Eh! "Eeeeh..." "Eh eh..." What I really say, krik krik krik... or it would be so offensive that it came out that way. It's a struggle nak cari jalan tengah sebab diplomacy is not my best trait. That one I can leave it out for my other siblings. This one is a live current one. Sekali terkaran semorang. 

I've behaved badly in some places, I've given, I've held back, I've yelled, I've been yelled back at. I've made people happy, I've also angered them and made them sad. Gone over the line, crossed boundaries, built new fences, ignored stop signs, gone through typhoons like nothing is happening. But I've stayed under the clouds, hidden above feelings and below in between. Too long. 

People can't make you happy. You need your own journey for it. Built in default for INFJ, that is not easy. I'm still struggling to find my passion. Tapi confirm aku tau I love writing. Only many times I question myself the reason for it. Is it for personal selfishness, or the love for awareness.

Change. 

We will all just be thrown into it and will make out of it alive. Of course la for sure got broken one along the way, but you'll know better next time.

We all need to learn something every day.

And today I learnt how much I appreciate myself for being able to get through it. You struggled but you did what you could, Nadia. Boleh la, you did well for yourself.

Love. 

Satu Cebis

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today's vibe is short. Short circuit. Sesuatu keterjadian.

I woke up. Took time to roll and ready. But it was mostly #meh. Rasa kosong. 

Dalam sesuatu yang aku cerita dalam ni, is to remind myself what I have to fill in my heart. My words fill in my own whimsical world. Cuba untuk tak menyusahkan orang. Sentiasa rasa macam tu. Tapi at the same time, memang menyusahkan orang pun. Sebab isi hati aku adalah tidak ringan. 

I need to declutter. But today I just need to sumbat my ears with songs loudly. Loud enough to drain the outside world. Tapi hari ni bebudak ni buat makan-makan. Rajin dan seronoknya mereka. Semoga murah rezeki diorang sebab suka bermasyarakat. Meanwhile, I sit silently inside feeling that I fade on me. 

Yes, I fade on me. Satu bucu kain tu saja yang aku sentiasa kekalkan warna. Satu cebis that I feel is mine. My little inch of sanity. 

How do you tell all this to others? You don't advertise all these feelings. You can't fake them. You can't explain it. You can't explain to those who don't want to understand. Bukannya diorang tak nak understand. At some point, diorang pun dah reach level tak boleh handle. Dan bukannya mereka sengaja tak nak process. Diorang memang dah limit sampai situ. Oleh itu mereka juga harus faham, this distortion of feeling is also because we have reached our limit. 

What does it take for people to realise that you are sad, or unhappy or whatever? All they pick up is your irritation, your 'cynicism', your 'sarcastic words'. Why can't they see it? Why don't they want to try to understand? Why don't they want to make time for you?

If you fall sick, kau jagalah diri sendiri. If you are hungry, kau carilah makan kau sendiri. If you need me, janganlah kau cari aku. Sebab kau tiada bila aku perlukan kau. Aku sakit, aku jaga diri sendiri. Aku jaga diri, sebab ihsan terhadap diri sendiri. 

Itu belum lagi orang yang akan hantar random message to you untuk mengingatkan kau yang dia wujud, tapi dengan kata-kata yang irrelevant. Orang yang nak tolong, tapi dia juga memerlukan attention dari kau. Dan lebih mahu mendapatkan perhatian kau. Kau sedar tak kau tu toksik untuk aku? 

Lifting up spirits, ultimately kau yang kena buat sendiri. Kena belajar bangun, berdiri, lifting yourself up. Jadi kau akan berasa amat terkesan kalau ada yang tak boleh terima cara yang diperlukan untuk hati tu berasa senang. Aku tak boleh berkawan dengan orang yang ni. Aku tak boleh pergi bercuti. Aku tak boleh, tak belikan kau souvenir. 

Aku jaga hati aku, aku tak bertanggungjawab terhadap hati kau. 

Hati aku ni pun tak terjaga. 

Tiada inspirasi. Tiada aspirasi. Tiada senyuman. Tanpa yang dipaksa.

I just cannot function today. 

Periods are getting worse for me as time unfolds. 

And as I unfold myself, to keep and care for; by myself.

But I thank you for this something I found online. 

It makes me feel human.

VULNERABILITY

There is strength in vulnerability,

in facing your demons

and knowing that

kindness is more important

in spite of them.

To be vulnerable 

is to be brave.

- Chrissie Pinney

Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV)

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Aku adalah struggle nak tie up all last call punya purchases for the year. Mata tak boleh bukak. Dah la memang naturally pun mata memang tak terbukak. Ni makin kecik. Tinggalkan cuma lemak atas mata. Mungkin lemak tu yang memberatkan dan mengecilkan bukaan mata tersebut.

So, ubat daily dose aku habis. Lupa nak topup dari farmasi. Malas nak ke klinik. Tak terpanjat ke Klinik Kesihatan semula. Jadinya I'm back on Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). Good for your blood sugar and good for your hypertension. Tension tu hyper je kan. Haha.

Terlupa aku yang ACV ni membantu:

1. Pencernaan. So kurang la bloating perut.

2. Pemecahan lemak jahat dalam badan. This means, good for your cholesterol. Also membantu if you're trying to lose weight kalau makan lebih dari seminggu dua, depending on your body lah.

4. Memenuhkan perut kau, for some reason. Jadi, hari ni aku akan makan bila terasa lapar je. 

5. Keluarkan lendir from your body.

Lendir bermaksud, if you got resdung or ada masalah peranakan sejuk, ia akan keluar dalam pada masa kau ambilnya (within the duration of usage). Kalau kau ada semput, kurang attacks. 

I say all this bikos ini based on my own personal experience. Kami anak-beranak ada resdung and asthma. Oh, it also helps with eczema, somehow. 

Cara Pengambilan

Letak 1-2 sudu besar ACV, mix it in cold water. Drink. Qty air, it depends on you. Sukati ikut selesa, janji boleh telan ACV nya. 

2 kali sehari. Pagi dan malam. Gap kan masa pengambilan if you are on daily medication, macam kau makan antibiotic: 1 hour before food, or 2 hours after food. 

Others stuffs about it boleh refer kat sini. Lupa pulak aku pernah tulis about it. 2 entry pulak tu.

1. Cuka, Delima, Kebaikan dan Cara Pengambilannya

2. Tips Kesihatan (Makanan Alternatif)

Kopi yang aku dah bancuh ni pun dok terletak je atas meja ni. Not a sip pun aku dah minum. Tak terasa lagi nak consume apa-apa. Mungkin dalam tempoh sejam lagi sebab I had the ACV maybe 1 hour before tadi. Tak rasa lapar lagi. 

Jadi breakfast aku pagi ni akan menjadi internal proses pembuangan lemak (dengan ACV) dan akan ditambahkan dengan pengambilan nasi lemak. Takpelah pagi ni takde progress apa-apa... Kata, kan baru nak mula je?

Okaylah. Nak minum kopi dulu.

Kbai...