Leaving 2019

Watikah hari ini adalah...

2019

Although I have been through hard years before, this year - that I thought was okay, would actually be one of the hardest so far.

Funny kan, bila time tu kita lalu be like, damn bila nak habis cycle ni... Then when you get to another thing, you remember that previous year you go, yeah... but this year's a different kind of tough. Of course it was. Anything that changes you for the better or for the worse, is basically change. So you either conform or retaliate.

Camni la guys. Aku bila deep in thought, always in English. The thoughts in my head always go, "Eh?" "Eh! "Eeeeh..." "Eh eh..." What I really say, krik krik krik... or it would be so offensive that it came out that way. It's a struggle nak cari jalan tengah sebab diplomacy is not my best trait. That one I can leave it out for my other siblings. This one is a live current one. Sekali terkaran semorang. 

I've behaved badly in some places, I've given, I've held back, I've yelled, I've been yelled back at. I've made people happy, I've also angered them and made them sad. Gone over the line, crossed boundaries, built new fences, ignored stop signs, gone through typhoons like nothing is happening. But I've stayed under the clouds, hidden above feelings and below in between. Too long. 

People can't make you happy. You need your own journey for it. Built in default for INFJ, that is not easy. I'm still struggling to find my passion. Tapi confirm aku tau I love writing. Only many times I question myself the reason for it. Is it for personal selfishness, or the love for awareness.

Change. 

We will all just be thrown into it and will make out of it alive. Of course la for sure got broken one along the way, but you'll know better next time.

We all need to learn something every day.

And today I learnt how much I appreciate myself for being able to get through it. You struggled but you did what you could, Nadia. Boleh la, you did well for yourself.

Love. 

Satu Cebis

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Today's vibe is short. Short circuit. Sesuatu keterjadian.

I woke up. Took time to roll and ready. But it was mostly #meh. Rasa kosong. 

Dalam sesuatu yang aku cerita dalam ni, is to remind myself what I have to fill in my heart. My words fill in my own whimsical world. Cuba untuk tak menyusahkan orang. Sentiasa rasa macam tu. Tapi at the same time, memang menyusahkan orang pun. Sebab isi hati aku adalah tidak ringan. 

I need to declutter. But today I just need to sumbat my ears with songs loudly. Loud enough to drain the outside world. Tapi hari ni bebudak ni buat makan-makan. Rajin dan seronoknya mereka. Semoga murah rezeki diorang sebab suka bermasyarakat. Meanwhile, I sit silently inside feeling that I fade on me. 

Yes, I fade on me. Satu bucu kain tu saja yang aku sentiasa kekalkan warna. Satu cebis that I feel is mine. My little inch of sanity. 

How do you tell all this to others? You don't advertise all these feelings. You can't fake them. You can't explain it. You can't explain to those who don't want to understand. Bukannya diorang tak nak understand. At some point, diorang pun dah reach level tak boleh handle. Dan bukannya mereka sengaja tak nak process. Diorang memang dah limit sampai situ. Oleh itu mereka juga harus faham, this distortion of feeling is also because we have reached our limit. 

What does it take for people to realise that you are sad, or unhappy or whatever? All they pick up is your irritation, your 'cynicism', your 'sarcastic words'. Why can't they see it? Why don't they want to try to understand? Why don't they want to make time for you?

If you fall sick, kau jagalah diri sendiri. If you are hungry, kau carilah makan kau sendiri. If you need me, janganlah kau cari aku. Sebab kau tiada bila aku perlukan kau. Aku sakit, aku jaga diri sendiri. Aku jaga diri, sebab ihsan terhadap diri sendiri. 

Itu belum lagi orang yang akan hantar random message to you untuk mengingatkan kau yang dia wujud, tapi dengan kata-kata yang irrelevant. Orang yang nak tolong, tapi dia juga memerlukan attention dari kau. Dan lebih mahu mendapatkan perhatian kau. Kau sedar tak kau tu toksik untuk aku? 

Lifting up spirits, ultimately kau yang kena buat sendiri. Kena belajar bangun, berdiri, lifting yourself up. Jadi kau akan berasa amat terkesan kalau ada yang tak boleh terima cara yang diperlukan untuk hati tu berasa senang. Aku tak boleh berkawan dengan orang yang ni. Aku tak boleh pergi bercuti. Aku tak boleh, tak belikan kau souvenir. 

Aku jaga hati aku, aku tak bertanggungjawab terhadap hati kau. 

Hati aku ni pun tak terjaga. 

Tiada inspirasi. Tiada aspirasi. Tiada senyuman. Tanpa yang dipaksa.

I just cannot function today. 

Periods are getting worse for me as time unfolds. 

And as I unfold myself, to keep and care for; by myself.

But I thank you for this something I found online. 

It makes me feel human.

VULNERABILITY

There is strength in vulnerability,

in facing your demons

and knowing that

kindness is more important

in spite of them.

To be vulnerable 

is to be brave.

- Chrissie Pinney

Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV)

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Aku adalah struggle nak tie up all last call punya purchases for the year. Mata tak boleh bukak. Dah la memang naturally pun mata memang tak terbukak. Ni makin kecik. Tinggalkan cuma lemak atas mata. Mungkin lemak tu yang memberatkan dan mengecilkan bukaan mata tersebut.

So, ubat daily dose aku habis. Lupa nak topup dari farmasi. Malas nak ke klinik. Tak terpanjat ke Klinik Kesihatan semula. Jadinya I'm back on Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). Good for your blood sugar and good for your hypertension. Tension tu hyper je kan. Haha.

Terlupa aku yang ACV ni membantu:

1. Pencernaan. So kurang la bloating perut.

2. Pemecahan lemak jahat dalam badan. This means, good for your cholesterol. Also membantu if you're trying to lose weight kalau makan lebih dari seminggu dua, depending on your body lah.

4. Memenuhkan perut kau, for some reason. Jadi, hari ni aku akan makan bila terasa lapar je. 

5. Keluarkan lendir from your body.

Lendir bermaksud, if you got resdung or ada masalah peranakan sejuk, ia akan keluar dalam pada masa kau ambilnya (within the duration of usage). Kalau kau ada semput, kurang attacks. 

I say all this bikos ini based on my own personal experience. Kami anak-beranak ada resdung and asthma. Oh, it also helps with eczema, somehow. 

Cara Pengambilan

Letak 1-2 sudu besar ACV, mix it in cold water. Drink. Qty air, it depends on you. Sukati ikut selesa, janji boleh telan ACV nya. 

2 kali sehari. Pagi dan malam. Gap kan masa pengambilan if you are on daily medication, macam kau makan antibiotic: 1 hour before food, or 2 hours after food. 

Others stuffs about it boleh refer kat sini. Lupa pulak aku pernah tulis about it. 2 entry pulak tu.

1. Cuka, Delima, Kebaikan dan Cara Pengambilannya

2. Tips Kesihatan (Makanan Alternatif)

Kopi yang aku dah bancuh ni pun dok terletak je atas meja ni. Not a sip pun aku dah minum. Tak terasa lagi nak consume apa-apa. Mungkin dalam tempoh sejam lagi sebab I had the ACV maybe 1 hour before tadi. Tak rasa lapar lagi. 

Jadi breakfast aku pagi ni akan menjadi internal proses pembuangan lemak (dengan ACV) dan akan ditambahkan dengan pengambilan nasi lemak. Takpelah pagi ni takde progress apa-apa... Kata, kan baru nak mula je?

Okaylah. Nak minum kopi dulu.

Kbai...

Ole-ole, takde ke?

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Eh korang. 

Bila korang holiday kan, korang pergi memang untuk belikan ofismet korang souvenir kan? 

Niat korang pergi holiday tu untuk menyedapkan hati orang kat ofis kan?

Be like, sebab ko dapat pergi jadi ko wakilkanlah satu opis untuk pergi ke sesuatu destinasi itu...

Acaner, acaner kome... acaner..

No righttt... 

You spend on yourself. Because this is YOUR HOLIDAY and self-deserving treat. Sendiri pun kira-kira nak makan, minum, transport mau jalan all. Making sure kebajikan diri sendiri dan anak-anak semua adalah terjaga dan in order. Bila balik pun kau masih tercungap to catch up on the payments for the next few months, segala expenses incurred during your whole stay kat sana...

Sambil kau masuk melangkahkan kaki kanan ke dalam ofis, kau dengar orang tanya kau ni:

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"OLE-OLE TAKDE KEEEEEEEEE..........?"

- No, takde. 

Walk away.

Izinkan je la ofismet ko tu ambil masa untuk settlekan diri dia, sebelum dia cari jalan mengatasi perasaan dia apabila perlu communicate with you on work.

Sebab dia masih belum berpeluang untuk memahami perkara tersebut.

Dan bagi yang sibuk nak belikan barang untuk orang tu, tolonglah dahulukan diri awak sendiri dari orang lain. You don't always have the chance to travel. So you please travel well. Orang yang menghargai diri awak je yang akan cukup seronok that you get to berjalan, tanpa ada expectation apa-apa dari awak.

Non-Sponsored Review for Skin Lotion/Cream: NIVEA, VASELINE, QV, ATRIX & WATSON

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Hari tu I traveled to Japan and cracked my skin. Ku sangkakan cukup hydration tapi aku ni pun dah terlupa reality kulit sensitip with eczema aku ni. Dan aku juga lupa mengapa aku tak cuci pinggan. Tidak, bukan sebab aku pemalas ataupun mengada tahap gaban. Tangan aku aku akan crack dan cap jari aku boleh membuatkan aku hilang kerakyatan.

So while we were there, I cooked and washed a lot. Mungkin air tak sesuai, kata setengah orang. Untuk aku, temperature dia air vs cuaca adalah terbabit. 

I brought these and used a lot of the petroleum jelly. 

NIVEA INTENSIVE NOURISHMENT CREAM
Credit: Pairie Beauty Love

VASELINE (PETROLEUM JELLY)
Credit: Watsons

By the third day, hands dah start drying and cracking sikit-sikit. Rupanya apa yang aku bawak tu wasn't good enough for me. Also, I forgot I was washing my tangan sangatlah banyak kali, guna washing detergent lagi. Banyak main air dengan main sabun la in a cold and dry climate.

Aku dah sampai tahap kena oil my hands all and keep them gloved. Leceh la terus nak pegang or handle apa-apa secara fizikal. Jap-jap bukak gak glove tu and every other thing ko pegang aku berpetroleum jelly. 

Dah masuk hari yang ke 6, my left thumb dah split. I walked into the pharmacy. Pharmacist dia suggest yang murah dengan yang recommended. Of course aku ambik yang murah, kan hahahahaha. Dah boleh la mula gelakkan aku ni mulai sekarang... Aku pun dengan jujurnya ni pakai la krim kulit tu. Sekali beb, aku bangun pagi tangan aku mengeras ini macam.

I woke up with my hands keras laidis. Zombieeee...
Credit: Turbo Squid

It was painful. Aku bernasib baik la toilet ada bidet. Kurang stress tangan tu nak bend into degrees. All skin was dried up and cracking. Letak la lagi banyak Nivea and Vaseline. They keep drying up every hour sampai dah tak larat nak jap2 sapu. Tompok-tompok merah mengerutu lagi on the backhands.

Adik kata, cari cream yang ada UREA. Naik juling la mata aku nak baca dah semua tulis pun tulisan Jepun. Dia terus jadi, alip tendang wau ya sarkis. Then I found this!

ATRIX - UREA 10% CREAM
Credit: Bic Camera

Urea ni will help sooth and seal the skin. Ni la yang sangat-sangat membantu for eczema yang berbiji-biji dan mereputkan kulit kau at the same time. Time ni, aku rasa nak je try sapu kat kulit muka sekali sebab tiba-tiba kulit dah macam nak mereput jugak gamaknya. (Tetiba teringat cerita opismet yang diorang terkandas kat Italy -8c sebab flight kenot fly out due to snow storm for 3 days. Sampai ambik Vaseline tu sapu kat muka ko tau. Terus bila muka aku dah kering ada gak rasa cam kamikaze nak buat je hahaha... Tapi takut kalau jadi blemish with no road to turn back, aih, takpelah...) 

Ko akan amazed tengok kulit orang Jepun ni dah napa supple dan begitu tersusun nak banding dengan kulit Mak yang berusia 25 tahun ni. Ehem. Sendiri tersedak. Haha.

Well, masa kat sana pun makan seafoodnya tak hagak-hagak gak. Tapi tu lain kali Mak payung. But ekceli, I think memang it was a contributory factor also walaupun seafood kat sana sangat fresh dari sini. I had sea urchin, abalone, squid the kurita... macam-macam lah!

Okay back to the reviewing...

Nivea, Vaseline dengan Atrix adalah banyak membantu. Packing Nivea and Vaseline is nice enough dan ringan nak carry around dalam bag. Very practical. Urea pun practical to bring around. 

Kalau nak beli Vaseline tu, beli je yang small 50ml, baru less than RM7. Boleh guna on skin and on your lips. Always put on your lips kalau tak nanti your lips pun cracking jugak, especially if you are spending your holiday walking outdoor most of the time. 

Jangan beli yang Vaseline for Lip Therapy yang ni. Packing dia keck sangat plus harga dia lebih mahal dalam RM14 last tengok kat Watson bulan lepas. Yang lip therapy ni pun 7gm vs the normal one that also protects the lips at 50gm:  

VASELINE - LIP THERAPY
Credit: Shopee

Okay, moving along...

I got this voucher from Watson untuk purchases using their Watson App:

Promo 'Watson MY' App Code: WDECSTORE

Valid until 31 December 2019

For purchases via Watson MY App ONLY

Si bodoh ni tak baca voucher yang boss dia bagi. Pergi la terus ke Watson Pharmacy, dah pile up barang dalam bakul baru tau benda ni online, jadi semua barang letak tepi. But I got to try few lotions/creams in the process, jadi terus yakin download, beli dan terima barang dari Watson. 

This is what I got:

QV CREAM - FOR DRY SKIN CONDITIONS
Credit: Amazon UK

Harga QV Cream ni is RM99.90 online. Tapi kat outlet dia is RM95.00. But I got the RM10.00 OFF. So, the cream became RM89.90.

I also got this for Cik Adik at RM16.24, original price RM23.20. Free delivery. And ada discount for first time user kot, sebab aku beli sekali berus gigi Oral B. Total I paid was RM106.00. Must be la kan. 

NIVEA - OIL INFUSED LOTION, VANILLA AND ALMOND OIL
Credit: Cosmopolitan

Jadi rumusan yang aku boleh berikan adalah:

Hari ni is 12.12, I suggest you try and recce Watsons App. If you have bad cracking skin, get QV sebab it's hyporallergenic. Plus if you buy and register your TouchNGo Watson card online, you get your points bila beli online.

Next time when I travel, nak kena try few serums or argan oil ke apa on the face. Apa-apa nanti I tell you story here.

Okay, I had fun doing this non-sponsored post. Lama dah tak do something laidis.

Kbai.

Relationships

Watikah hari ini adalah...

Whoever said marriage is easy? Relationships without marriage, is without security. But marriage that turns bad, is better with divorce because it's pointless being in a marriage where you're not happy.

Tak, perkahwinan itu tidak mudah. Ada expectation, disappointment, kelekaan, kecelakaan (haha), kepenatan, and being taken for granted. Tolak ansur yang dah sampai habis. Duit belanja terkorban untuk kepentingan sendiri atau orang terdekat. Banyak factor that builds the relationship between the two of you, then there's immediate family, then the extended family and closest friends.

But here's the thing...

1. Kadang I overhear these girls yang about to be betrothed talking about how soon they want the child. You haven't even done the intimacy, and you're talking about the babies.
- Enjoy your spouse. Enjoy the journey. Kenal pasangan tu. As in, kenal fizikal, kenal emosi. Take your time to know each other.
- You don't have to rush for the baby. After all, korang jugak yang jaga, bukannya orang yang dok mintak sangat korang tu beranak (family etc).
- Build your relationship dulu dengan pasangan. Build trust. Penting tu. Then you work on the baby.

Nombor 1 je la sebab aku penat hari ni. Macam tak sihat.

You know, I miss some people. Nak je duduk bawah ketiak orang kena peluk day in, day out sampai dah tak nak dah. Nak ditimang. Nak dibelai-belai. But this is what I've got to work with. Dah tua-tua camni pun teringin jugak ke? Ya. naturally perempuan mahu dibelai.

Dah lah. Kbai.