Watikah hari ini adalah...
Today I woke up it felt different. I think it could have been Malam Lailatul Qadar. And I slept through it like a log. I woke up in stages. Every 5 minutes. Mana tak nya... I kept pushing the snooze button on the alarm.
So I rushed undoing the kids' school bags, repacking in a daze. I couldn't find Abang Long's baju mengaji. There was none. Then I couldn't find Abang Ngah's baju sekolah. I found the pants but not the top. Teruji mindaku. I just... The dots weren't connecting. I kept going through them and wondered where I missed. Went through our own racks and the ironing place with nothing in between.
Frazzled, I decided to just shower first. Did my prayers and went back inside the kids' room. Allah bukakan mata. Abang Long's baju mengaji was on his bed. I had put them aside with intent to iron them. And I found Abang Ngah's uniform in a different compartment. Pawpaw did the keeping instead of me. And the bottom that I found was a trackbottom similiar to of his uniform that I had put aside for change.
Went down to refill the formulas and new bottles and unlocking all doors. I couldn't find Abang Ngah's school bag. Found them still sitting in the car. Repacked his bag then and there. Readied the kids, gave them bread while they squabbled.
There is nothing new about squabbling but lately, it has become more annoying. Asik bergaduh je. Tak boleh ke cakap elok-elok? Tak boleh ke tak tendang? Tak boleh ke mengadu ada orang tendang? It just went on and on and on.
In the midst of it all, Cik Adik tells me, "Nanak bread," sambil hulurkan roti. Memula mintak biskut. Tengok abang makan roti, nak roti pulak. Ni segigit je dah tak mau lagi pulak. I was hauling bags into the car so I told her, "Makan je lah Adik."
While I loaded the bags into the car, she burst into a big heartbreaking cry. All stressed out with all the fightings and all because of the bread. I just threw the bread that had 'upset' her, picked her up and put her in the car. She wanted to close the door herself and I did it together, as if she was doing herself. I was half way to my door when I realized she was crying again. Then I realized why she cried.
I had her finger stuck in the door.
I jumped so quick and sucked her little finger to avoid for it to go super bengkak. I felt like such a bad mom. But I suppose the warmth helped to ease the shock. Then I asked her to continue sucking by herself. Only then I realized that I was fasting. Tapi buat pun tidak disengajakan. Without intent. So takpe lah kan.
Sampai je sekolah I mintak tolong the teacher to give her PCM, just in case. Then I drove and sent Abang Ngah to school.
There is something different about today. I rasa sayu.